Soul Searching
by fanofrandy
Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone bad. Content warning: later chapts. incl. domestic violence, child death, suicide, some graphic content, and religious themes. Set between Season 3 and 4. COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 1

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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The men of Station 51's A-crew arrived to work at sporadic times. Cap was always early. He came in around the time the morning tones sounded to awake the previous crew. He was always overwhelmed with paperwork and liked to get a head start. He and the previous shift's captain would also discuss what happened on that shift and any new information flowing to and from headquarters.

Mike Stoker was usually the second to arrive. Mike, though a man of few words, enjoyed interacting with the other firefighters and listened to their stories of the previous shift. Marco Lopez usually stopped by the church on his way to work each morning to light a candle and say a prayer for the day to St. Florian—the Patron Saint of Firefighters—to keep him and his brothers safe each shift.

Roy DeSoto usually arrived early enough to ensure he was able to dress and visit with his friends before having to report for Roll Call. Chet Kelly and John Gage were usually "right on time" or a little late depending upon traffic, their off-day activities, or whatever other excuse they may have come up with. The last one in was usually assigned Latrine Duty and it was usually Chet or John who had that dubious honor.

Today was not much different other than the fact that ONE of their regular shift-mates would not be reporting to work. In fact, the entire A-shift crew had been on forced sick leave since their last rescue three days ago. It was required that they all see the Department psychiatrist and be medically cleared by Dr. Brackett or Dr. Early at Rampart before reporting to work this morning. It had been a rough three days for all the men. And, knowing that one of their brother's would not be coming to work today was going to be especially difficult on them all.

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Captain Hank Stanley drove up to the Station at 06:58. He noticed through the back door of the day room that some of B-shift crew was already awake, but he did not like to enter until AFTER the morning tones sounded at 07:00. As he sat in his car, he reflected back to the last shift he had completed and was wondering what in the world went so wrong. He had been asking himself that for days now. He had talked with the psychiatrist and been cleared by Dr. Brackett to return to duty, but he still had many questions that remained unanswered. "_Could I have done something that would have prevented this tragedy_?" He wondered to himself for the 1000th time. He was startled from his thoughts when the morning tones sounded. He opened his door and walked into the station.

Marco had spent extra time at church and attended Mass, saying many prayers for his fellow crew members during his time off. They had all experienced a great shock and would be missing one of their own when they returned. That was not something he or the others were ready for. He prayed they would all have strength to see each other through the events of the last shift and help each other as they mended their hearts, minds, and souls. As he drove up to the station that morning, he knew he was a little earlier than normal, but his mother was insistent that he take some wonderful pastries—pan dulce (Mexican sweet breads)-she made to be shared by both the outgoing shift and with the men of A-shift.

Mike pulled in right behind Marco and helped him with his bags. The men shared what they did on their days away from the station. Both men had seen the psychiatrist on the same day, the day after the incident, and were cleared by Dr. Early the day before to return to work. Mike had even gone to Mass with Marco and began to pray more for his co-workers and the one who would be missing from their ranks today.

Chet pulled up in his VW Van and got out with his gear in hand. He was all business today. He had met with the psychiatrist and found that "the Phantom" was apparently a coping mechanism he used to help relieve the stress and tension of their very dangerous profession. He was certain that "the Phantom" would be a hiatus for quite some time. This stress was too much to overcome with a few pranks.

Roy pulled in and, as Cap did earlier, he sat in his car. He mulled over the last few days. That last run, the meeting with the psychiatrist, the last three days off, his family and his friends were weighing heavily on his mind. He struggled with walking through that door, knowing that they would not be truly "complete." He knew that this shift was going to test him and his brothers in a unique and profound way. He prayed that they would all make it through the next 24 hours with their wits intact. Roy took a deep breath and said a quiet prayer before entering the station. He would be missing his partner, John Gage, more than any of the rest of them today.

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Roy entered the locker room and glanced at Johnny's locker before he opened his own and began dressing. The other men around him from B-shift nodded their sympathies to Roy as they changed. Roy solemnly accepted their pity and concentrated on the task at hand. "_Just focus, Roy_." He thought to himself. "_If you make it through this shift, the others will get easier_." He hoped he was not lying to himself.

Just as he shut his locker door and started to the apparatus bay to report for Roll Call, Gil Robinson stepped into the locker room. He gave Roy a sideways grin as he passed by. Roy nodded his greetings and stood in the door a moment, glad that he would not be paired with Craig Brice. Roy was sure he could handle just about anything this shift, except having Brice assigned to be his partner. "Guess I'm stepping in for Gage, today." Gil said uncomfortably as he started changing into his uniform.

"Yeah, I guess we'll be partners for a while." Roy said glumly as he let the door swing shut behind him.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 2

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Rampart Emergency was as busy as ever. The morning was filled with casualties from a car accident and more than their share of walk-ins. Dixie kept busy and focused. The last few days had been hard on everyone close to John Gage and his crew mates. Dixie had already talked with Roy that morning. When Roy called to calibrate the Squad's equipment, he told her that everyone was there, and that he was partnered with Gil Robinson. Dixie's eyes misted as she thought of the young paramedic who was absent from them now, but she quickly regained composure and assigned her nurses to their tasks.

Dr. Brackett was thankful for the busy morning for it kept his mind occupied. He knew he was going to meet with Chief McConnike to report on the psychological and physical assessments completed on the men of Station 51's A-shift crew. He was not looking forward to the meeting because his report was incomplete, and Dr. Kelly Brackett hated missing deadlines. Dr. Early and Dr. Morton stayed quite busy themselves with victims of car wrecks, influenza, and other minor aches and pains.

It was about 11:00 when Dr. Brackett was able to get to his office and take a break before the meeting with the Chief that afternoon. "Come in." He answered to a knock at his door.

Dixie walked in with two cups of coffee in her hands. "Here, Kel. I thought you could use this." She said as she sat his mug down on the desk.

"You sure are right about that, Dix." He took the cup and nodded to her as he sipped the warm, black beverage.

"Have you talked to him yet?" Dixie asked.

Kel shook his head. "No. S'posed to later today."

"Kel," She began, "it will be okay, won't it?" She was seeking comfort from someone who was desperately trying to find some himself.

"Dix, I wish I could tell you that it was. But, I just don't know. I just really don't know." He sighed as he continued to sip his coffee.

They continued to share a companionable silence until Dixie was called away.

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Lunch was being prepared at Station 51 and the men gathered around the table. There was an unusual silence that was a weight on all of them. They were used to John Gage rambling on about one thing or another—his latest conquest in the dating realm, a movie he saw, some crazy get-rich-quick scheme. No matter how much they wished that he would end these rants, they all desperately missed the man and his seemingly boundless energy. Gil Robinson walked into the room and the tension was palpable.

"Hey guys," He began, "What's for lunch?" He hoped to get them thinking of other things besides the one missing from their ranks.

"Uh, it would be stew today, Gil. Chet's cookin'." Mike answered after an uncomfortable length of silence.

Cap picked up on it and took charge, "Men, we need to get past this. We have to act like everything is alright, normal, and get past this…thing." He was not sure he believed the words, but felt it was his duty to say them.

"Get past what, Cap?" Came a familiar voice which broke the anguish of the men sitting around the table.

Roy was the first to the door to greet the man, "JOHNNY, what are you doing here?" He called out and fought the urge to outright hug the man before him. Johnny had been avoiding everyone since their last shift and it was the first time Roy had seen him since. With their former conversation passed, they turned their attention toward their friend. The other men got out of their chairs, and joined them standing at the door of the dayroom.

"Come on in, Pal." Cap summoned their friend.

Johnny shook his head, "Uh, no, Cap. I'm not stayin' long. Just came by to grab a few things out of my locker before I head out."

"Where you goin', Gage?" Chet asked.

"Goin' campin' for a few days. Uh, Drew and I found a great place to camp after we graduated high school. Just gonna head up there and take some time to think things out and all. No big deal." Johnny evaded.

After they all said their "hellos" and "good-byes" to Johnny, Roy followed his Partner to the locker room.

"So, Junior, where are you going?" Roy repeated Chet's earlier question.

"Well, Roy," Johnny seethed, "since I'm on Administrative Leave pending completion of the investigation," His resentment apparent, "I thought I would spend a few days up in Madera County. " He opened his locker and began gathering some contents. Roy thought it looked as though he was taking everything he owned.

"That's a pretty long way to travel on your own, Junior. Why don't you wait a few days…we got a long weekend comin' up. I can go with you." Roy offered.

"Maybe next time, Roy. I just want to be alone for a while. Sort things out and get my head straight."

"What have you been doing the last few days, Johnny?" Roy questioned.

"Just hanging around the apartment. Abiaka's been good company. I'm glad to have her and I am glad the landlord let me keep her. She is my shadow…follows me wherever I go." Johnny said of his beloved Malamute.

"I'm glad you're not alone." Still wishing his friend would allow some human companionship when he was feeling so hurt and defeated. The men had been working together for several years now, but there was still much Roy did not know about John Gage and he still kept people at a certain distance.

"Will there be a meeting of the Review Board?" Roy cautiously broached the subject.

Johnny stopped what he was doing and threw the things in his hands back into his locker and shut the door harder than necessary. He sighed and sat on the bench. Roy joined him there, determined to help Johnny whether the younger man liked it or not.

"Roy, I just don't want to talk about this. I need some time to sort this out on my own. That's why I have been avoiding the calls and not answering the door. I just need to get away. I know everyone means well, but I don't have the words you want to hear. The words anyone wants to hear." He felt like a wounded, cornered animal.

"Johnny, the only words we want to hear is what you're honestly feeling…you don't have to generate some "made-up" answer for us. We are your family. We want to know how you're doing. Did you see the psychiatrist yet, or Brackett?" He ventured further, knowing he was going to upset the young paramedic.

A flash of anger presented in Johnny's eyes and he fumed, "NO! I have not seen the psychiatrist. What for? What is that going to do for me? Someone to offer platitudes and say everything is going to be okay. Well, Roy, everything is NOT going to be okay. Don't you get that?" Johnny stood and walked over to the sinks. He ran the water and splashed it on his face to cool down, but also to hide the angry tears that formed in his eyes.

"Look, Johnny, I know you're angry. I know you're hurt. I know that you haven't been sleeping or eating—that is quite apparent. But, all we want to do is help. Can't you let us help you, Junior?" Roy pleaded.

Johnny looked at his own reflection in the mirror as he used a paper towel to wipe his face. He would admit he looked like hell. He glanced to Roy's reflection and shook his head. "You can't understand, Roy. You weren't there." He knew those words would hurt Roy, but he did not care right now.

The words sucker punched Roy. "_You weren't there_." He had somehow failed Johnny and he did not know how to make it right. He feared that the trust they had developed was leaning precariously on a slippery slope and about to fall.

"But, I'm here now, Johnny. We all are." He proffered. They had been paired long enough that he knew John Gage and, he knew that Johnny was folding in on himself. If he or someone did not reach him soon, John Gage would be lost to them all.

"Roy, I know you all want to help. But, this is…well, it's different. I don't even understand what happened…how can I make someone else understand?" Johnny could feel the tears again and he brushed them away with the paper towel he still held in his hand.

Suddenly, as if a switch were flipped, Johnny regained all composure and blurted out, "I'm meeting with Brackett right after I leave here. I don't know if the Review Board will meet or not. The police investigation is not completed yet, as far as I know. I meet with Crockett today, too. Does that answer your questions?" He went back to his locker and started collecting things again.

"Johnny…please let us help you. Don't take a long trip like that alone right now. Wait a few days and see how you feel, huh?" Roy beseeched.

"I'm leaving for Madera County this afternoon, Roy. I will be there 3 or 4 days at most. I will see you when I get back. Besides, I won't be alone. Abby's goin', too. Okay?" But, Johnny did not await an answer. He turned and walked out leaving Roy to worry about him even more than he already had been.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 3

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Dr. Brackett was preparing for his meeting with the Chief when he heard a faint knock on his door. Had he not been totally concentrating on his task, he would have missed the slight noise. He got up and crossed the room to open the door. He was a little surprised at who it was, as he was certain the man would avoid him at all costs. "Come on in Johnny." Brackett said to the fidgeting man outside his door. Johnny stepped into the office and promptly took a seat in on the couch across the room. "_You already distanced yourself emotionally, hose jockey. Now you are distancing yourself physically_." He thought as he closed the door and walked across to his desk.

"Can you tell me what you have been doing the past three days, Johnny?" The doctor asked, worried about Johnny's physical appearance. His eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles under them and he looked a bit pale.

"Just hanging around, is all. Talked to Lt. Crockett a few times. Gonna see him after I leave here." Johnny replied.

"Why didn't you keep our last appointment, or meet with the department psychiatrist, Johnny?" Brackett knew the answer, but wanted to get a feel for where Johnny's head and heart really were. They had been through this a couple years ago when Johnny had been required to get a psychological assessment as part of a new procedure. The things Brackett learned about Johnny during that time explained exactly how the man was acting now.

"I'm on AL right now anyway, Doc. Doesn't matter what I do, I can't go back to work until the investigation is over. Besides, I don't want to talk to a shrink again. As for my meeting with you…well, I went to see Crockett that day and I just didn't think I could handle anymore pokin' and proddin' if you know what I mean?" Brackett was right. Johnny did not like sharing his feelings with others, much less a "shrink" as Johnny routinely called any type of counselor or mental health professional. The young man had experienced some "head shrinking" as a child on the Reservation in Oklahoma and, due to his experiences after his parents' death, winning his trust was an arduous task.

"Johnny, your failure to follow through with orders from the Chief and your Captain could keep you from returning to work. You don't want that…do you?" Brackett continued, not wanting to sound threatening but, hoping the man before him would open up a little.

Johnny looked at the doctor who had become a friend over the years. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow, considering the question posed him. "I don't know, Doc. I just don't know if I CAN go back." He honestly admitted.

"You're thinking of quitting the paramedics, John?" Kel Brackett shook his head as he asked.

"I've been thinking of quitting the department." Johnny shared, much to Brackett's surprise. "I don't know for sure yet. I have a lot to think about. I just…it's just…I don't know how to explain it, Doc. I just can't make the words come. For all the good we do…things like this happen, and I just can't handle it." Johnny's voice was getting unsteady as he shared his feelings.

Brackett took a deep breath and sighed. He did not want to lose Johnny to this terrible tragedy. "Look, John," a more serious tone in his voice, "you should not make any decisions in the state you are in now. You're one of the best firefighters and paramedics I know. I would hate for you to throw that all away." He got up and walked over to the couch where Johnny was sitting.

"Now, I am meeting with the Chief this afternoon, and I would like to tell him that you are going to comply with the requirements and see the department psychiatrist. Can I do that, Johnny?" Brackett looked into Johnny's dark brown eyes and searched for the answer to his question.

Johnny shook his head as hot tears formed in his eyes. He did not want to give up his life's work, but how could he go back to do it again after all that happened? He looked his friend in the eye and said, "I'm going camping for a few days, Doc. When I get back, I will call and make an appointment. I just need some time to sort this out for myself before I can talk with anyone else. Fair enough?" Johnny relented.

"Fair enough. Now, I can tell you haven't been sleeping well. What is this you said about a camping trip?" Brackett felt a little more comfortable now that Johnny had opened up some.

"'m goin' to campin' for a few days up in Madera County. I just need to get away for a while and I feel at peace when I am out there." Brackett knew that Johnny had been chasing peace for many years and would not deny him the chance to obtain it.

"Okay, hose-jockey. I will see you in a few days then. Make sure you eat properly and try to get some rest. And, for my sake, could you PLEASE say 'hello' to Dixie on your way out. She has been asking about you all morning." The older man smiled as he teased Johnny.

"Sure, Doc. I'll stop by to see her. And, don't worry, I'll be okay." Johnny smiled, but it was not his usual "Gage-grin" everyone had come to know. He stood and shook the doctor's hand and said he would talk to Dixie as he left the office.

Brackett's mouth curled and brow furrowed as he watched the man leave. "I hope you will be okay, Johnny. I sure hope so." He thought aloud.

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"Hey, Tiger." Dixie greeted Johnny with her usual infectious smile.

"Hey, Dix. Brackett told me to say hello to ya…said you'd been buggin' him all day 'bout how 'm doin'?" Johnny confessed.

"Oh, he did, did he? Well, I will show Kel Brackett what it is truly like to be BUGGED by me, John Gage." They exchanged a knowing glance and genuine smiles. She regarded the paramedic before her. "Johnny, how are you doing?"

"'m okay, Dix. Just sortin' things out, you know? I'm going camping for a few days. I will see you when I get back, okay?" Johnny was anxious to leave. "I have got to get goin'. I still have to meet with Lt. Crockett to let him know I'm leavin' town for a while. I guess they want to make sure I don't make a run for it or something." He mocked.

Dixie frowned. "Certainly they don't think you had any part in what happened last week, Johnny. What's going on?" She implored.

"Oh, don't worry about it. It will all get sorted out, eventually. Hey, how's Mrs. Taylor doing, anyway?" Johnny turned with the question, like it was a last moment thought. The woman had not left his thoughts for days now and he had called every day to get updates on her condition.

"She's still in ICU, Johnny. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look good." She shared the bad news.

Johnny shook his head and said, "Probably the best thing. At least she won't have to live with what happened to her family."

"_Like I do_." He ruefully thought.

Dixie watched as Johnny walked out of the hospital. She felt sorry for him that he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and would not let anyone help him carry that burden. She prayed that he would let someone help him…and, soon, before the weight crushed him.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 4

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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After Johnny left, Roy joined the guys as they ate lunch. Most of them picked at their meal as they considered their friend and his burden. Chet broke the silence. "Had he been to see the psychiatrist yet, Roy?"

Roy barely heard the question. He was worried about Johnny. Worried about how he was handling their last rescue; worried about him camping alone in his emotional state; worried that his friend was not sleeping; worried that Johnny would quit the department; and, worried that he would lose his best friend. "Huh? Oh, uh, no. I don't think he has yet." Roy finally answered.

"Did all of you have to see the shrink?" Gil asked. He still did not know all the details of what happened. This crew kept things close to the vest and very little gossip flowed from the men. He only knew what he had seen on the news and had been told him when he was assigned to be Roy's temporary partner while Gage was on AL.

All the men nodded, Cap answered. "Yes. The Chief required us all to see him and get a medical clearance before returning to work today. I've known some guys who don't eat or sleep for days after something like this happens, and they just fall apart." He hated to admit it, but he was thinking of John Gage as he said the words.

Marco continued, "I didn't really think it was necessary, considering that not all of us went into the house. But, it was helpful talking it out. I got some tips on how to talk with Johnny when he's ready, you know."

Mike added, "Yeah. I was kinda removed, too Marco. But, knowing what Johnny went through in that house and how we all didn't know if he was hurt or not…hell, that was enough to put me in a state of shock." The other men nodded.

"Roy, what did you see?" Gil asked the pensive man.

"I didn't see what Johnny saw. We treated the wife and I rode in with her to Rampart. I wasn't there" He gulped, "when it all went down." His fist hit the table in a manner out of character for Roy DeSoto.

"Hey, easy there, Pal. We were all at the scene and we couldn't be there for him either. Don't go laying any blame where it doesn't belong." Cap said.

"You sound just like the shrink." Chet piped up.

"Well, it's good advice. Some that we could all take to heart. Right, Roy?" Cap consoled.

"Right, Cap. I just…I just…I'm just worried about 'im. That's all." Roy confessed.

"We all are, Pal. We all are." Cap said as they began cleaning up the lunch dishes.

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"Hello. I'm John Gage, here to see Lt. Crockett." Johnny told the pretty receptionist at Police Headquarters. Under other circumstances he may have asked for her phone number, but he was not in the mood for flirting right now.

"I will let him know you're here. Take a seat, Mr. Gage." She told him. He walked over to a brown leather sofa and sat down. He picked up a magazine and began to leaf through it when Crockett beckoned him.

"Johnny, c'mon back." Crockett waved his hand and motioned in the direction he wanted John to go.

Johnny extended his hand to the Lieutenant and was introduced to two other LAPD Detectives. "John, this is Detective Peterson and Detective Sands. They are working with me on this case." He turned toward the two detectives as John shook their hands, "Men, this is Firefighter/Paramedic John Gage." After the introductions were complete, they retreated to a nearby conference room for privacy in their conversation.

It was right around noon and his stomach growled a bit. He hadn't eaten anything of substance for several days, but Johnny declined when he was offered a beverage. Lt. Crockett regarded the young man and thought he looked rather gaunt and lethargic. He knew John Gage well enough that he understood that he was taking what happened very hard and had been blaming himself for the events of that day. And, that was why they were all there now.

"Mr. Gage, we want to thank you for meeting with us. We work for the District Attorney's office and are just trying to get our investigation completed so they can decide on whether this case warrants any…further action." Johnny knew that was cop-speak for "_So we can determine if we are going to charge you with negligent homicide_."

"Look guys," Johnny said, not wanting to antagonize the men, "I know what's going on here. I had a friend who was a cop and he told me how these investigations go. I'm a big boy, you don't have to coddle me and throw softballs. Let's get this over with, shall we?" His sarcasm was deep and he failed at his goal to not antagonize.

"Mr. Gage, we have a job to do and we will do it at OUR pace, not yours. Now, we need to know your story on what happened, from the time the Station received the call until you left in the ambulance. We know you have been through this already, but we need it one more time." Stated Detective Peterson. He wanted to be certain John Gage knew just who was in charge.

Johnny got the message. On the Reservation he had been questioned in several incidents, including his attack on another boy who had taunted him. Though the boy was not hurt badly, John had been placed on probation. He had to petition the courts for his record to be expunged so he could join the department. Johnny had run-ins with the law many times as a child and young man. As he was part Indian and experienced a lot of bigotry, he had little confidence in the legal system's ability to protect him and felt that he would certainly be charged in this matter. So, he did the only thing he could. He told the truth—from start to finish—and, let the chips fall where they may.

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When Johnny was finished with his account of what happened on the rescue, and the detectives had asked all their questions, Johnny had spent almost two hours at Police Headquarters. As he walked out of the building, he remembered when he had met Drew there once. Drew Burke had been a good friend of Johnny's before he was killed last Fall. Johnny had experienced a lot of loss in his life, and he felt like a lot more was coming. Even if he did not decide to quit the department, he felt that the two detectives and the Review Board would certainly take his job from him anyway. And, maybe his freedom, if they found him guilty of any crime.

Johnny drove home thinking about the horrible events of his last shift and what he had just told the police detectives. "Hell, I would charge me if I heard what I just said." Johnny said aloud. He had just a few things to pack and he would head out on his long drive to Madera County. He knew the six hour drive would calm him…he loved the outdoors and looked forward to his time away.

He pulled into the parking lot and saw his neighbor, Mrs. Bertram, watering the plants on her stoop. "Oh, John. Dear, I thought you would be gone on your trip already." She said as he jumped from his Rover.

"Got tied up with a few things, Mrs. B. I'm on my way as soon as I get Abby and a couple other things. Everything else is already in the Rover. Thanks for getting my mail while 'm gone. I appreciate it." Johnny said to the woman who he had become very fond of over the few years he had been in the apartment. Though he very much wanted a ranch of his own one day, he would miss Mrs. B. if he ever left. "You need me to do anything before I leave."

"Oh, no John. I am all set for the week. My daughter came to take me shopping and all the laundry's done since you took care of it on your days off this week. Thank you again, dear." She had come to love John Gage as a part of her family. She felt that there was more to him than she was aware. He enjoyed being alone and isolated, but could be the life of the party, too. She relished in the paradox of John Gage.

Abby raced down the stairs to the Rover. She waited impatiently for her master to allow her entry to the vehicle. She had been camping with him a few times and watched as he packed the items in the Rover. Johnny smiled at the young dog as he opened the passenger door and she jumped in. "You ready to go, girl" He crooned to the dog, who barked excitedly.

"Okay, Mrs. B. I've got everything. I will be back in three or four days. If something happens and I decide to stay longer, I will call you. There's a store about 4 miles from where I will set up camp. It's called 'Big J's'. I'm gonna be out around Nellie Lake. I've been out there four or five times now and they know me up there. If I am needed for anything, just call the store and they will be able to find me, I'm sure. I wrote it all down on a pad by the phone in my apartment." He waved at her as he got in and closed the door behind him. He rolled the window down as he started the engine. "Thanks again." John called out before he left.

"See ya', John, be careful. Abby, you take good care of 'im now." The older woman cried out, smiled and waved to John as he drove away.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 5

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Abby sat in the passenger seat as Johnny silently drove. He glanced her way a few times and when he did, she wagged her tail. "We'll be there in a while, girl." He commented now and then.

When Johnny reached the store, Big J's, he got out and left Abby in the Rover with all the windows down. The air was beginning to cool already. Though it was spring, the nights in the canyons and hills could still be quite cool. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was a little after 8pm. "_I made pretty good time_." Johnny thought to himself and he made his way up the steps to the door. As Johnny walked toward the door he saw a young boy push it open from the other side. He had on a red ball cap and, for a moment, he was transported back three days to a child's bedroom. He brushed the memory aside and stepped into the store.

"Jooooooohnny" He heard from across the store. He did not like the way the store owner drew his name out, but he liked the man enough to ignore his displeasure with the greeting.

"Hey, JB, what's new?" Johnny said as he made his way to the counter.

"'s been a while, Johnny. Where you been?" JB asked. "You and that friend of yours were coming pretty regular there for a while." Johnny remembered how and Drew had found the spot right after their high school graduation. They had spent every other month or so coming there to fish and hike. He missed his friend, Drew, and took a moment to reflect. Johnny felt free out here; he felt close to nature and to God; and, somehow, he felt closer to his parents.

"Been around, been around. Hey, I need a few staples. Gonna head up to the ol' spot for a few days…do some hiking, fishing and some soul-searching." Johnny admitted.

"Soul-searchin'? What happened, man?" JB inquired. JB knew about Drew's death. Johnny had returned there once right after Drew died and JB hoped that he had not lost another friend; for he knew Johnny's profession and how dangerous it could be.

"Ah, nothin'. Forget it. Gotta grab some spam, a carton of eggs…" Johnny distracted the man with his grocery list. Once Johnny got all his supplies, he loaded them into the Rover and went on his way to the campground. He knew the site well, but wanted to get there before the sun went down. So, he put the pedal to the metal.

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Once he arrived at the campsite, Johnny set up his tent and sleeping bag. He didn't really feel like eating as his appetite had died along with the young boy a few days earlier. The images of that boy had been intruding in his dreams and sleep was escaping him as well. "_Roy's probably right_." Johnny admitted to himself. "_I'm not really in any condition to be out here on my own_." But one glance up at the stars ended all his thoughts of returning to the city. He saw what seemed like a million stars and he found a slight comfort in that.

Johnny remembered how his father had told him about how the Indians believed the stars were the souls of their ancestors and loved ones who had gone on before them. He loved to hear his mother tell traditional Indian stories of the different constellations and the Milky Way; though she also told him about a Creator God who created the earth, moon, stars and everything in the universe. He let his mind wander as he set up camp...

_He heard his mother's voice: (The Legend of the Milky Way)_

"_And late at night, as the coals of the fire deepen into black, we tell of our great souls. Silent were their footsteps through the prairies and forests. Steadfast in their teachings, with their lives they blazed a trail for our people to follow with honor._

_And when their footsteps brought them to that chasm beyond which men venture only once, they vanished from our midst. It is likely that we shall never see their equal again._

_But as they left their work and spirit forever with us, their people, so even now as they journey on, they leave an imperishable mark upon the sky. _

_For there, arching across the heavens is the pathway of the souls._

_We do not know where their journey now leads them. Nor do we know what sights they may behold. And in the night each bright star is a campfire blazing in the sky where they have paused in their journey to look down on us, their people, as we huddle for warmth around the campfire."**_

When Johnny was young, he liked to think that his parents joined the "pathway of the souls", and that they were among the stars looking down over him after they died. He tried very hard to hold onto that even as he was being hurt by the many bullies and foster parents he encountered along his years. He believed in God and was very angry with the Deity at times…and, right now, was one of those times.

"Well, God. I'm out here…how am I gonna come back from this one?" He asked aloud. "I'm at the end of my rope…and, I need something or someone to help me." He confessed. Abby whined as she heard her Master's voice, but did not understand his words. She walked over to him and sat her head in his lap. He smiled down at the dog and pet her gently. "It's okay, girl. Let's get some sleep. We'll go for a long walk in the morning and sort this all out." He stood up and walked out into the woods a few yards and "took care of some business". When he returned, Abby had already entered the tent and lay down on his sleeping bag.

Johnny crawled into the tent and zipped the closure. He shivered at the night air, pulled off his boots and climbed into the sleeping bag. Abby crawled in close and snuggled against her Master. "'night, girl." Johnny said as he put his left arm over his eyes in his usual sleeping position. The dog whined at hearing her name and put her head down. Dog and Master settled in for some much-needed rest.

TBC

**Adapted story from an old Algonquin myth—from Mark Littlman's _The People _(not a part of the Seminole tradition which I tend to link Johnny Gage to since this is the Indian heritage of Randy Mantooth, who played Johnny.)


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 6

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Roy sat on the bench in front of his locker. He couldn't shake the bad feeling he had since Johnny left the station the day before. Roy worried about his Partner. Johnny tended to be a "magnet for disaster", as Chet so aptly put it. Since their pairing, Johnny had been involved in many close calls and put himself at risk constantly. Roy did not feel Johnny was in any way incompetent or "accident prone", he knew that Johnny usually took on more of the hazardous rescues to keep his other crewmates out of danger. Johnny cared for others in a huge way, but had difficulty allowing others to care for him.

"What's wrong, Roy?" Gil Robinson broke Roy's daze.

"Nothin'. Just thinking of the list my wife probably has for me when I get home." Roy fibbed. Both men closed their lockers and made their way out to their cars. "See you tomorrow, Gil." Roy called to the man as Gil waved his good-byes. "_Hopefully, it will be our last shift together_." Roy thought to himself. Though he liked the man enough, he really wanted Johnny back to where he belonged. He hoped that the Detectives were going to end their investigation soon so they could all get back to normal.

When Roy got home, he called Johnny's apartment. He hoped that Johnny had listened to him and waited to go camping until they could go together. But, when there was no answer, he knew what that meant. He hung up and then called Rampart. He talked with Dixie McCall. "Hey, Dix. I was calling to get an update on Mrs. Taylor." He said quietly.

"There's no change, Roy. I'm sorry. I was expecting Johnny to have called by now, too. But, I haven't heard from him." Dixie inquired.

"Oh, he went camping. I guess he's gonna be gone for a few days." Worry entered Roy's voice and Dixie could hear it.

"I remember he said something about it. He said he'd be back by Friday, right? Did anyone go with him?"

"No, he went by himself. And, all the way out to Madera County. I asked him to wait till the weekend. We have off Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I thought I could go with him, but he didn't want to wait. I guess he wanted some time alone anyway. 'To sort things out', he said. Yeah, he said he'd be gone three or four days." Roy rambled.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, Roy." Not sure if she was reassuring Roy or herself. "He knows what he's doing out there."

"Yeah, he'll be fine." Roy agreed, but was not convinced. "I'm gonna get some rest. I've gotta be back on duty tomorrow at 8:00 and JoAnne's got a long list for me to attack." They said their good-byes and Roy went to get a nap before starting on his chores.

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Johnny continued to lie in the tent after the sun came up. He had not slept well at all and hoped that he would nod off if he just gave himself a while longer. After fighting for rest, he finally got up and Abby joined him. He unzipped the tent and Abby charged out to go answer "nature's call." "Don't go far, girl." Johnny called behind her.

Johnny changed his clothes from the ones he slept in. He put on a clean pair of jeans and socks, his hiking boots, a long sleeve undershirt and a long sleeve plaid shirt. Johnny knew that the air would stay pretty cool during the day…maybe getting up to 75 or so as it was still early spring. The nights were colder, but he had been plenty warm in his sleeping bag with Abby snuggling close by. He just wished that he could have gotten to sleep. It had been several days since he had gotten a good night's sleep and he was feeling pretty fatigued. He knew that Roy, Brackett and Dixie all noticed it by the way they reacted and talked to him. But, as usual, he deflected their worry.

Johnny stepped out of the tent and noticed there was a slight breeze causing it to be a bit chillier than he thought it would be. He called Abby over and began getting out some stores for breakfast and to pack for their hike later that morning. He poured out some dog food for Abby and then he grabbed a pack of granola that he had picked up at the store the night before. He was not hungry, but knew he had to eat to get nourishment for his hike. He tried to recall his last meal and it had been a few days ago as well. He had snacked and picked at a few things here and there, but he had lost his appetite when he had lost his ability to sleep through the night…it all started with that call…

"_Station 51—reports of a woman down at 2233 West Cameron; repeat 2-2-3-3 West Cameron. Time out 14:28."_

"_Station 51-KMG365" _

_Johnny took the run slip and said, "This is right around the corner, Roy. Less than a mile away." Roy nodded his agreement. "Take a right and go down to McHelen and take another right." Johnny expertly navigated the Squad and the Engine following. "Here, take a left on Cameron…should be the third or fourth house on the right." The Squad pulled in the empty drive and the Engine pulled up behind a police car already at the scene._

"_What have we got Vince" Johnny vaguely heard his Captain ask as he and Roy got the needed items out of the Squad and rushed toward the open front door. _

"_Roy, Johnny, the woman is lying unconscious right inside the door." They heard Vince call as he then turned his attention toward Captain Stanley to explain his presence._

_Johnny rushed to the woman's left side and set up the Biophone while Roy began the assessment and getting vital signs._

"_Rampart, this is Squad 51, do you read?" Johnny called into the radio. _

"_We read you 51. Go ahead." Came Dixie's voice._

"_Uh, Rampart we have a female, approximately 30 years old. She appears to be the victim of a fall or a beating Rampart. Stand by for vitals." After Johnny put the radio down, Roy confirmed that the woman appeared to have been beaten. The contusions and broken bones were not the result of a fall. Both men swallowed hard as they continued their expert care._

_While Roy was establishing the IV and pushing the meds Rampart ordered, Cap and Vince Howard stepped in the door. Cap motioned his head toward Johnny and he got up to talk to the men at the door._

"_John, the neighbors out here are saying the husband did this. They are sure he left in the family car and has not returned. When they saw him leave, they called the police and Vince called us when he found her like this. The neighbors don't have a lot of details since these people just moved in a month ago. But, apparently the couple fights often." Johnny flinched at a remembrance of one of his foster homes where the fighting could get pretty bad at times. "Vince thinks the guy could come back at any time now. How close are we to transporting her?"_

_Johnny glanced at Roy. "Cap, I think we are just waiting on the ambulance. Right, Roy?" Roy nodded his head to confirm._

"_I'll check on the ETA. Let's get out of here as soon as we can, huh, guys?" Cap said to his men and gave Johnny his Handi-talkie. "I'll call you in a minute."_

"_Gotcha, Cap." Johnny said as he returned to his place near the victim setting the HT off to the side._

"_Rampart, we are ready to transport as soon as the ambulance arrives. Stand by for ETA." Johnny updated Dixie._

"_Standing by, 51." Came the reply._

_The ambulance arrived and Roy and Johnny gently put the woman, who they now knew was Mrs. Maddie Taylor, on the gurney. Roy said he would ride in the ambulance with her and took the Biophone and Drug Box. Johnny stayed behind to clean up the debris and get the Trauma box. He barely noticed he was not alone until he heard the voice._

"_What are you doing in my house?" Came a very deep and agitated voice from behind Johnny's back._

_Johnny twirled around to see a man standing in the kitchen doorway with a gun in his hand…_

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 7

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Johnny shook his head at the memory. "C'mon girl. Let's go on the hike." Abby jumped up on Johnny and ran ahead of him as he set off toward the trail that he and Drew laid out a few years before. Johnny called Abby every now and again when he thought she was getting too far ahead. She always obeyed her Master and returned to his side when he called. Johnny had trained Abby well and she was a good companion to him. She was a larger dog and was surprised when his landlord had allowed him to keep her.

A very pretty young woman, who Johnny had met when she had a car accident, had offered him a dog right before Christmas and he had to give it away to someone else since his apartment did not allow dogs. The DeSoto children had found Abiaka, whom Johnny named for a Seminole Indiana leader and medicine man, abandoned in the park near their home while walking with Johnny a couple weeks later. The children had begged for Johnny to save the dog and take care of her. Johnny could not let them down—especially his little Princess, Jenny DeSoto. She had started to cry when Johnny said he would take the dog to the pound. Johnny's heart broke and he ended up taking her home and hid her in a blanket while he snuck the dog into his apartment.

A few days later, the dog was feeling better and began to bark and make herself known. Johnny had to come clean. But, when he did, the landlord told him he was changing his policy and that he would allow him to keep the dog. Johnny did not want to admit it, but he was grateful. He enjoyed his solitude, but there were times when he would get rather lonely coming home from a shift to an empty house. He began to train the dog right away and she was a fast learner. The two were inseparable after that.

Johnny had always felt a kinship with animals. His father worked horses on the Trust Lands in Oklahoma and father and son worked side-by-side until his parents were killed in a car accident. Johnny had experienced all kinds of bigotry, racial taunting and abuse, but he was always comfortable around animals. Animals did not prejudge people based on race or color. They loved unconditionally and Johnny seemed to always find animals to associate with, even when he was in the most horrible foster homes.

The day began to warm a little as they walked and Johnny pulled off his pack and took off the flannel shirt and tied it around his waist. "Just a few more miles, Abby. And, we can call it a day, huh, girl?" He said to her as she ran around him in circles waiting for him to lead the way. Johnny picked up his pack and continued down the trail.

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Roy woke up after getting a few hours of sleep. He ate some lunch and talked to JoAnne while she did a load of laundry and washed the breakfast dishes. "What's going to happen to Johnny, Roy?" She asked.

"We don't know yet, Hon." He was honest. "The police are still investigating and we don't know if the Review Board will convene or not. It's just a waiting game now. I can tell it's killing Johnny." Roy suddenly regretting the words he chose. "Uh, he's having a hard time with it, Jo." He corrected.

"When will he be back? Should he have left town with all this going on?" She was worried because her husband was worried.

"I asked him not to go, Jo. You didn't see him. He hasn't slept…probably hasn't eaten. I am really worried about him. But, he does always seem more at peace when he's camping. Sometimes I just see him looking up at the sky…letting the sun shine down on his face. I think it is the only time when he is truly still and looks peaceful. If being out there helps him get past this, then I hope it works." Roy finished the last swallow of milk and put the glass in the dishwater. He leaned down and kissed her on the shoulder.

"I love you, Honey." He reminded her. She kissed the side of his head and echoed his words. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go over to Johnny's apartment complex and see if he left any information with his neighbor lady. I will feel better if I at least know a phone number where he can be reached or exactly where he is staying. I will also just check his apartment out while I am there." JoAnn DeSoto smiled at her husband and nodded her assent. He moved away from her and drove out to do exactly what he told her before starting his chores.

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They reached the edge of the water and Johnny peered across the expanse of the lake. He and Drew were told that this lake was rarely visited since the other lake, Lake Huntington, was larger and better stocked with fish. Johnny enjoyed the seclusion and comfort of the quiet lake and cool breeze blowing across the water. "It doesn't get much better than this, girl." He said to the dog that was getting a drink from the shore. Johnny pulled his pack off and grabbed the canteen and took a drink himself. He also grabbed another bag of granola and took a few handfuls.

"Let's head on back. We'll take the long way, and hike over the cliffs over there. That will be a good workout and get us back right around dinner time." He called out to the dog, already ahead of him. Johnny allowed his thoughts to once again travel back five days' time…

_Johnny's mind began to spin. He didn't want anyone else to step into this situation, whatever "this situation" was. He attempted to diffuse the man. "Uh, are you Mr. Taylor?" An affirmative nod came from the man with the gun. _

"_Mr. Taylor, your wife is gonna be fine." He lied. "No one is in trouble here." Another lie. "I was just going to gather this stuff up and go to the hospital. Would you like to join me so we can see how she's doing?" The department had trained him how to talk to irrational people and talk them down from situations where safety of self or others was threatened. Johnny was not sure whose safety was at risk, but he certainly did not want to find out._

_The man shook his head 'no' and Johnny's stomach dropped. He was now a hostage and, if this man beat his wife, what would keep him from killing him, Johnny wondered. He had a moment of clarity, "Mr. Taylor. My boss is out there with the police. If I don't come out soon, they are gonna come in here. Can I use the radio to tell them that you and I are in here talking?" Johnny tried to be as calm and cool as possible. There was a slight nod and the man looked down toward the HT lying on the floor._

_Johnny prayed that the man was unaware of the 10-Codes for Fire/Police as he relayed his transmission, "Cap. This is John. We have a 10-40. I will be a few minutes longer."_

"_What's a 10-40?" The man grumbled as he pointed the gun toward Johnny._

"_It means there is a family member to talk to on the scene." Johnny lied, thankful that his obfuscation was successful._

_Meanwhile the men outside were plunged into a frenzy of emotions. "Did he say what I think he did, Cap." Chet called out._

"_Yeah, Pal." Cap shook his head solemnly and turned to Vince. "I'm afraid that someone is in there holding Johnny hostage. Vince, what do we do now? This is more up your alley than mine." Cap yielded to the policeman's expertise in this realm of rescue._

"_Let me call it in, Hank." Vince said as he made his way to his Patrol car. "Don't worry. We'll get Johnny out of there." He assured the Fire Captain._

"_LA-This is Engine 51. Switch to emergency channel." He knew that his radio transmissions could be heard by Johnny and his captor. He had to change channels to keep Johnny safe. "LA-Be advised we have a Code 10-40; I repeat 10-40 with Fireman held captive. Patch me through to Battalion Headquarters."_

"_10-4, Engine 51. Stand by." Came the calm voice of Dispatcher, Sam Lanier._

_The men all stood staring at the house and wondering the fate of their friend, co-worker and brother, John Gage._

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 8

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Johnny had let his mind wander and he had gotten a bit farther up the rocks than he had wanted to. He looked around and recognized that he had wandered about four miles from his campsite. At the pace he was able to keep, he could make it back to the site in about an hour. He called out to Abby when he did not see her right away and waited for her to come. When he called out a few more times and she didn't come, he started looking for her.

"Abiaka." Johnny called and waited for her bark. "Abby. C'mon girl. We gotta get back to camp." He called again. He decided to get up a little higher on the rocks to see if he could see her down below. He kept calling her name, hoping that while he was lost in thought, she had not gotten trapped or injured somewhere. Already having overwhelming feelings of guilt, Abby's missing status pushed the feeling further into his throat. He picked up his pace and began sweating more and more. With the pack and his long sleeve shirt, he was getting a little overheated.

Johnny paused to catch his breath and set his pack down. He pulled out the canteen and took a sip of water. He called out for the dog again and listened. He thought he heard some muffled whimpers off to his right. He picked up his pack, but did not put it on his back. He carried it along and slung the canteen around his shoulder. "Abby. Can you hear me, girl. Where are ya'?" He continued to shout.

As he came over a crest he heard her clearly. She was whimpering and then he saw her. She had become entangled in some weeds and brush. "What did you get yourself into, girl?" He asked the dog, relieved to find her. She struggled more as she saw her Master coming to help her. "Settle, Abby. Settle." He commanded. The dog obeyed and stopped struggling against her restraints. Johnny set his pack down. As he approached the scene, a small quail flew from under the brush and he deduced what happened. "Did you try to get that bird, Abby? Well, you got yourself stuck didn't ya'?" Johnny half-laughed at the dog as she sat there helpless and stuck. "Don' worry. I'm gonna get you out."

Johnny leaned down to examine his beloved dog to be sure she was not injured. She was caught pretty tight, but only had a few scratches from the brambles. "You're okay. I've got you now, girl." Johnny soothed as he tried to get a firm grip on the hedge. "Dammit." He called out as he, too encountered the plant's barbs. "Hold real still, Abby." Johnny said softly, wishing he had his gloves with him. He tried to grab the plant lower. He got a firmer grip to pull, but it put him a bit off balance. "Here goes." He said aloud to no one in particular. And, he pulled as hard as he could.

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Roy found himself in a better mood once he got the information on where Johnny was from his apartment. Johnny had left the number to a store near where he would be camping and Roy called it to find out where it was and directions. He thought briefly of going there when he got off his next shift. His thoughts kept him occupied while he worked and when he finished, he went inside for a shower. The kids had been home from school for several hours and had finished their homework. It was nearly supper time. Roy sat in the living room with his children, getting caught up on their activities and school work, while JoAnne finished supper. "Daddy, can Uncle Johnny come over for dinner tonight?" His daughter asked.

"Not tonight, Darlin'. Uncle Johnny's camping for a few days." He had a recurrence of the dreadful feeling he had earlier in the locker room at the Station. He thought that, knowing where Johnny was would help make it go away, but it didn't help.

"By himself, Dad?" Chris called out.

"Yeah, Son. He does that sometimes, you know?" Roy confirmed.

"They taught us in Scouts, that no one should camp alone, Dad. That it can be dangerous. If he gets hurt or something, who will help him?" Chris continued.

"Daddy, is Uncle Johnny hurt?" Jenny worried and began to cry.

"No, Honey. Chris, you upset your sister." "_And, me_" Roy thought. "Apologize now." Roy admonished.

"'m sorry, Jen. I'm sure Uncle Johnny's fine. He knows what he's doin'. 'Member, we've been camping with him. He's smart and knows how to start a fire without matches or a lighter; he knows how to read the stars and tell which way to go on the trails; and, all kinds 'o stuff." Chris was certain to stretch the apology until his sister's tears abated.

"Besides," Roy added, "He took Abby with him. She will watch out for him if he gets into any trouble. WHICH I'M SURE HE'S NOT GOING TO." Roy quickly added when the little girl's mouth began to pout again.

"Now, let's all get cleaned up for dinner." Roy sent the kids away. But, he could not shake the feeling that Johnny was indeed in trouble.

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Johnny could hear whimpering and barking and he could hear other sounds around him, too. He was not certain where he was right away or what had happened. But, he was soon VERY aware of pain. He opened his eyes and blinked away the darkness. Night had fallen and he shivered against the cold air. He winced as the shivering opened up more pain to his senses.

"Shit." He said when he finally realized what happened. He was looking up…and, saw the ledge he had fallen over about 15 feet above him. He knew it was where he fell from because Abby was standing at the precipice barking and whimpering. He struggled against the pain to reassure the animal, "'s okay, girl. 'M okay." Johnny called to his companion. The dog settled a moment, hearing her Master's voice. As if she realized she could not get to him, she began to bark again.

Johnny struggled to assess his situation. He did not know how long he'd been unconscious, but knew that it had to have been over a couple of hours ago since night had fallen. "That's not good." He deduced. He began to try to move again and see if he could find out what other injuries he had sustained in the fall. He quickly realized his left shoulder was injured. "Probably dislocated it." Johnny thought aloud. He tried to pull his right hand up and realized it was trapped beneath his body. As he tried to lift his torso, he screamed out in pain, causing Abby to run in circles and bark louder.

Breathing more heavily now, Johnny slowly wiggled his hand out from underneath him. Pins and needles shot through it from it being compressed under his weight. He pulled his hand toward his head once it stopped throbbing and found what he expected—blood—and lots of it. "Damn. Chet's right. I am a magnet for disaster." He said aloud. He quickly assessed his situation and, just as quickly, determined how dire it truly was. He wanted to call out for help, but knew that there would be no one, barring his faithful dog, who would hear his cries. Overwhelmed with tremendous pain and agony, he allowed himself to slip off into oblivion.

"John"…he heard someone say, just as he hit the brink of unconsciousness.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 9

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

He woke up to mind-numbing pain. He could no longer hear Abby's barks or cries. He could hear the cries of wolves in the distance, and hoped that she did not try to follow their calls and leave him alone. He stared up at the sky. He vaguely remembered having been awake once already. "Oh, yeah. I fell." He determined again in his mind. He attempted to shift his body, and remembered quickly that he was badly injured.

Feeling defeated and trapped, he looked to the stars again. "John." He heard a voice say.

He could not tell which direction it was coming from. "Help." He cried. "I'm badly hurt and I need help."

"John. I'm here with you. You are not alone." He struggled to turn his head to see the body attached to the voice, but the pain seared each time he tried to move.

"Who are you? Who's there?" He called into the night. He realized how cold he was and wished desperately for his sleeping bag.

"_This will keep you warm in climates down to negative 20 degrees_." The salesman promised when he sold Johnny the sleeping bag. Johnny shivered and thought that it had probably dipped into the 40' s or 50's, but was not anywhere below zero, and laughed at the thought.

"It's not like I'm in the arctic, here. I will be okay." He tried to convince himself. But, he knew with his injuries and the cold nights, he would not last long at all. He prayed for help.

"God, please send someone to help me. I just need to get off this ridge and get to a hospital." Johnny almost laughed at the fact that he WANTED to go to a hospital. He fought tooth and nail to stay out of those places, at least as a patient.

"John, I am here. I will help you. You are not alone." The voice came again. He was certain now he was delusional because the voice was very close, but he could not see anyone.

"Who are you?" He beckoned again.

"John. You met me when you were eight years old. You asked me into your heart and to be your friend and Savior. I have never left you since that moment." Johnny was confused, but calm.

"My Savior?" He questioned. Johnny remembered when his mother had led him in a prayer at church. He had accepted that he was a sinner, repented, and allowed his sins to be washed away by the blood Jesus shed on the cross. He remembered that day, because it was the first time he had seen his mother cry what she called "happy tears." He knew who Jesus was, and continued to attend church with his parents until that fateful day…

"If you are Jesus, then tell me why my parents died." Johnny asked abruptly and with some anger. He winced at the pain it caused him to blurt out the question.

"I cannot tell you the Father's plan, John. But, I can tell you that I never left you. I am always with you…even when you thought you were alone."

"Well, a lot of good it did me." Johnny mocked the statement. "Where were you when I was getting kicked around and Daddy Dave almost killed me?" Anger rose in Johnny at a furious momentum as he remembered the drug dealer that had almost killed him at one of the foster homes. It was as if the pain was spurring the anger to surface and it was all going to come to a furious finale.

"I protected you from death, John. There was so much more for you to experience, to do, to be…I could not let you join your parents no matter how much you begged for death to come take you." Johnny reacted as if scalded water had been thrown upon him.

"How did you know I begged for death?" Johnny suddenly felt naked, transparent. He had not even told Roy, yet, that he had considered dying a better option than living during those horrible years. Or, that he had actually thought of taking his own life a few times as young boy after losing his parents.

"I told you, John, I was there. I never left you. I never forsook you. I was always there even when your cursed me and yelled at me in anger. I was there. You got through all those horrible times and you will get through this, too." His Savior promised him. "There are more people on this earth that need your help, John Gage. We can't let them slip away, can we?"

Johnny's own words were thrown back in his face…he remembered…

"_Put that radio down now, mister. And, come with me." Mr. Frank Taylor ordered Johnny after he had secretly informed his Captain that he was being held hostage. Johnny was glad the man did not ask why Cap requested a channel change. _

_Johnny walked toward the man who then pointed the gun directly at Johnny's back. He could feel the cold, hard steel and wondered if he would make it out of that house alive. The man urged Johnny down the hall with painful jabs from the gun barrel. They came to a halt in front of a closed door. "Open it." Mr. Taylor commanded and pushed the gun hard into Johnny's ribs. He cried out a bit as he grabbed the doorknob and turned._

_Johnny almost lost his stomach at the sight he saw. Lying very still on the bed was a small boy, maybe eight years old. He was dressed in a red t-shirt, blue jeans, and tennis shoes. A red baseball cap lay on the pillow next to his head. The boy was not moving and appeared dead. "Check him like you did my wife." The man with the gun demanded._

_Johnny moved slowly toward the boy. As he got closer, he realized that the t-shirt had actually been white at one time. It had been red because it was soaked with the boy's blood…he had been shot in the stomach. Johnny turned toward the man to tell him there was no hope for the boy, when he heard a faint gurgle from the bed. Johnny rushed to the boy's aid._

"_What's his name?" Johnny asked and there was no response. "What's his name, dammit." Johnny urged._

"_Richie." Came the one-word answer._

"_Richie. Richie. C'mon, Son. I won't let you slip away, kiddo." Johnny called as he checked for a carotid pulse and ripped the boy's shirt open. There was a gunshot wound in the lower, right quadrant of the boy's abdomen. By the amount of blood, Johnny determined that the boy's liver had probably been punctured by the bullet and he would most-certainly die. Johnny looked at the man in the doorway with the gun. He seethed anger and frustration. If they had known the boy was there before, been able to treat him, maybe; just maybe; he could have had a chance. But, with wounds like this, time was of the essence._

"_How long has he been here?" Johnny asked._

"_Why?" Mr. Taylor asked._

"_Just answer me. How long?" Johnny yelled…not caring if he provoked the man or not._

"_Don't know…I shot him when I heard the sirens." The man admitted. "I was gonna shoot my wife and myself, too. But, you and the police screwed everything up." The words came slowly and scornfully. _

"_Well, I'm sorry we spoiled your plans." Johnny said sarcastically and then wished he had kept his mouth shut when he heard Mr. Taylor pull the hammer back on the gun pointed it at Johnny's head._

_TBC_


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 10

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

The alarm clock went off and Roy got up to go to work. He showered and grabbed a bite to eat before heading to the station. He wondered how Johnny was doing. He hoped that Johnny was resting well and eating. The last time he saw his friend, he looked very tired. Roy was having trouble sleeping, too. He was feeling guilty that Johnny had to endure the horrible tragedy that befell the Taylor family. Roy had heard from the guys what they knew, but Johnny had yet to share with anyone except Cap and the police what truly happened in that house. And, after Johnny left Cap's office, Roy thought that his leader looked pretty green around the gills.

He remembered back to that Friday evening…

_Roy followed Johnny to the Dorms after he made his report to Cap. The Station was stood down for the rest of the shift, so Cap and the police could get everyone's statements. B-shift was coming in early, but they would have to stay until their arrival. Johnny sank onto his bunk and Roy walked up and sat on his own. "How you doin', Junior?" Roy asked._

_Johnny looked like a kicked puppy. His big brown eyes gave away his emotion. Johnny hated that his eyes made him so transparent. He turned away from Roy and put his left arm over his eyes, "I just want to get some sleep before B-shift comes, Roy." Johnny dismissed Roy with his words. Roy understood. Johnny did not want to discuss it. The other guys had told Roy what they knew while Johnny was in Cap's office. Roy hated that he was at Rampart during the whole ordeal. He heard what happened when Squad 38 called in a Code I at the base station._

_Earlier that Friday evening…_

_Roy's heart fell when they reported that the Code I was Johnny Gage. "What the hell happened?" Roy called out to Dr. Brackett. He had been in the doctor's lounge waiting for Johnny to arrive with the Squad. He got on the phone with JoAnne and just lost track of time. He assumed Johnny was hanging out at the nurse's station talking with Dixie while he talked with JoAnn. When he came out, about 20 minutes later to tell Johnny that his "nephew" had nearly set the garage on fire, he heard the Code I call._

_Dr. Brackett quickly explained what he knew. Roy was beside himself. "The guy was in the house the whole time?" Roy wondered aloud. How could they not have known? Roy was at the ambulance bay when Johnny was brought in. He was covered in blood, not his own. He was semi-coherent and agitated. He kept saying "My fault. It's my fault." Over and over again. No one understood what he meant, but he would not be consoled by Roy, Brackett or Dixie. He was given some meds to calm him down. He was still saying, "I told him to do it. It's my fault. It's all my fault." Everyone wondered what he meant._

_Dr. Brackett finally got Johnny to calm down and he went to sleep for a while before Roy collected him to return to the station. Brackett wanted to keep Johnny for observation, and a pscyh consult, but Johnny refused to stay saying that he had not been hurt or injured and would be fine after a good night's sleep. _

_When they pulled into the station, Johnny sighed as he saw Detective Crockett sitting with Cap in the office. "Oh, shit." Johnny cursed. Roy asked him what was wrong. Johnny shrugged it off saying that he hoped they would wait till morning to take his statement and that he was tired. But, Roy knew his Partner well enough to know that was not all there was to it._

_After hearing Cap's report, the Chief made the decision to put their crew on "forced sick leave" and ensure they were all cleared mentally and physcially before returning for their next shift. All the men knew that Johnny would definitely have a problem with that..._

Roy drove up to the Station and parked his car. He noticed Johnny's spot was empty. Gil had parked all the way over on the other side of the lot to avoid filling Johnny's spot. Roy was grateful to the man for respecting that slight boundary. He jumped out of the car and started his work day.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Johnny felt moisture on his face. He thought at first it might be raining, but when he became fully aware, he looked up to see Abby licking his face and neck. "Abby, girl. You found a way down." Johnny whispered. His throat was dry and he found it hard to talk. He vaguely remembered throwing his canteen over his shoulder the day before. He hoped that it was still with him, or at least very close. He moved slightly and was reminded, once again, of his widespread injuries. He moved his right hand around and located the blessed item. He pulled it around in front of him and then took a deep breath and prepared for the pain he was about to inflict upon himself.

He cried out, scaring Abby, as he lifted his head and neck to dislodge the canteen from his shoulder. "Shit, Shit, Shit!" He strung out the curses under his breath. The pain was enough to send him back into oblivion, but he fought it. He carefully tucked the canteen into the crook of his left arm and turned the cap with his right hand. Freeing the cap, he slowly pulled the container to his lips. He felt as though he was in heaven as the cool water washed over his parched lips and soothed his sore throat. He returned the cap and put the canteen down beside him.

"How are we gonna get out of here, Abby?" He looked at the dog. She was sitting next to him, staring down at him. She tiled her head as though she was thinking. He offered her a weak smile. He wished she had been with him more over the years. She might have been able to make it to Big J's if she had made the trip more than just a couple times. He damned himself for coming alone and then he remembered talking to Jesus.

"_Was He really here_?" Johnny wondered. But, then he quickly brushed it off and blamed the concussion. Head injuries could cause delusions of all sorts, and that is what Johnny determined happened to him. Since he now had daylight, he decided to try to sit up so he could see the rest of his injuries and make a determination to whether he could get himself out of this place.

He took his left arm and placed it in the waistband of his jeans. He hoped that would secure it so it would not move as he moved. He untied the shirt he had tied around his waist the day before and was grateful he had not left it with his pack—which he remembered sometime the night before was 15 feet above him on the ledge. He slid the shirt from underneath him as gently as he could. He knew that trying to sit up was not a smart move. If he had neck or back injuries, he would certainly make them worse by what he was about to do.

"How else am I gonna get out of here. I will die here if I don't do something." He decided. With great care, he positioned his right hand on the firm ground beside him. With a deep breath and short prayer, he pushed himself up. He cried out in pain as he paused half way and noticed that his right leg incredible swollen. The knee was either broken or horrible wrenched. He pushed harder and came to a full, upright sitting position. As painful as it was, he knew that it would have been much more painful, and perhaps impossible, with extensive back and neck fractures. He was grateful he could likely rule those out of the list of injuries he was compiling.

His looked at his right knee again…it could be broken. His other leg appeared to be intact as he ran his right hand down it deftly. He pulled up suddenly when he heard some grating in his chest. "Broken ribs, most-likely." He stated. When he was done, the list of injuries included several broken ribs, a concussion he concluded was severe due to the auditory delusion he had, a dislocated shoulder, and a possibility of internal injuries…there was extensive bruising on his abdomen, but it was still soft right now. He was also certain that he had dehydration since he found no urgency to urinate. His stomach, which had been pretty empty for days, had stopped growling and relegated to a slight ache.

He crudely splinted his knee. As he did so, he realized that it would not be able to bear his weight and he would not be able to maneuver the rough terrain on his own.

"Well, I could make it, Abby. As long as someone finds me soon." He told his dog optimistically. "But, what are the chances of that?" Negatively reared its ugly head.

"Just hang on, Son. You are gonna be okay." He heard a familiar voice.

"Dad, is that you?" Johnny cried out.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 11

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Johnny knew for certain that he was hallucinating how. But, his dad's voice had seemed so clear, as if the man were standing right next to him. Johnny looked at his beloved dog and mumbled, "I either have a really bad concussion, or I am going crazy." He said to her.

"You're not crazy, Son. And, the head injury is bad, but you are going to make it. You are strong, John. And, you will get out of this mess." Johnny's Father told him.

"Dad, if you're really here, why can't I see you?" Johnny questioned. Johnny could recall what his father looked like as if he had seen him yesterday. "Dad, is it really you?"

"Yes, Boy, it is me. I am here to help you through this. You got yourself into something here, didn't you?" His Father said. Johnny's dad did not ever physically discipline him. He didn't have to. Just knowing he disappointed his parents was enough of a punishment for the young John Gage.

"'m sorry, Dad. I guess I screwed up." Johnny admitted to his Father. He wanted to cry, but he simply allowed himself to slump down until he was lying on the ground again. "I got angry, Dad. I got so angry that I said something I will regret forever." He confessed to the voice from his youth.

_He remembered hearing Mr. Taylor pull the hammer back on the gun as he raised it toward Johnny's head. Johnny was not sure what to do when he heard the man ask, "Will my wife live?" _

_Johnny reeled. "What do YOU care?" Johnny yelled to his captor as his anger churned. He knew he had just thrown protocol and all reason out the window._

_Mr. Taylor walked a few steps forward, fully entering the room. It seemed as though Johnny had been in that room for hours, but it had only been about 10 minutes. "What about him?" Mr. Taylor whispered, barely audible to Johnny's ears._

_Johnny swallowed hard, and the anger again erupted. "You might as well just shoot him again and put him out of his misery. And then, for all our sakes, do what you planned and kill yourself, too." Johnny's words shot out like flames and landed on the unsuspecting target. The man looked at his son and then at Johnny with raw emotion. Johnny had known emotion like that and he knew immediately he had said the wrong thing._

_Before Johnny could react, Mr. Taylor brought the gun up and shot his son again and then at himself and pulled the trigger again. Johnny screamed as he watched the horror unfold as if in slow motion, "NO!" as he threw himself over the boy's body and felt as warm blood spattered onto him. He could not believe that he had just told Mr. Taylor to kill his boy and himself. _

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Back at Station 51, Roy was on a mission. He had yet to hear Cap's version of what happened that day. He knocked on his superior's door and opened it when he heard, "Enter."

"Roy, how ya' doin'?" Cap asked trying very hard to smile and act like all was well when they both knew differently.

"Cap, I just wanted to know if you could tell me what happened from your perspective. I have talked to the guys, but I really need to know what's got Johnny so rattled." Roy was standing and ready to be dismissed if his Captain was not up to meeting his request. But, Roy breathed a quiet sigh when Cap motioned for him to close the door and have a seat.

"Roy, so many things ran through my mind when Johnny called in that 10-40. I wondered how that guy could still be in the house-why didn't we do a walk through? Why did the cops just take the neighbors word for the fact that the house was empty? How did we NOT know there was a kid involved? Why didn't the neighbors hear the gunshots and where the hell was the family car?" His superior officer was shaking as he went through the litany of questions he had. "I thought about the way that woman was beaten and I was damn sure not wanting that to happen to Gage." Cap continued. "We stood out there watching the house and waiting for what to do next. It seemed to last forever, but from the time Johnny called the code to the time we heard the shots, only about 15 minutes passed.

"_When the men outside heard the shots and the scream, they all charged the door. "No!" Vince Howard yelled to stop them. "We don't know what the situation is! You can't go in there." He told the firemen._

"_That was Gage screaming!" Chet cried out. "He may be hurt and we need to get in there." He was trying to push his way past Cap, who had stopped the other three firefighters from charging into the building. _

"_Mike, call and get another Squad and ambulance. Vince, are you going in there?" Cap glanced at the officer._

"_I already called for another Squad to come, non-code R, so's not to set off Mr. Taylor. Apparently, it was not Mr. Taylor who the neighbors saw leaving in the car. He's still in there and he has a gun." He said to the men around him. "And, yes, Hank. I'm goin' in." He pulled his gun and started up the sidewalk toward the still open front door. Cap started to follow behind him, but Vince turned and shook his head._

"_Vince, one of my men is in there. He could possibly be shot or worse. I need to go with you." Hank whispered. With a nod of his head, Vince motioned for Cap to walk behind him and they entered the house._

_They could hear sobs coming from the hallway off the kitchen and followed the noise. They heard the faint sounds from vehicles pulling up outside. "Squad must be here." Cap whispered. Vince just nodded as he kept his gun trained ahead of him and walked slowly with the other man close behind._

_As they turned the corner, Cap could smell blood and carnage and saw his youngest crew member crouched over a body on the bed. The body of Mr. Taylor, and parts of him, were near the closet door just inside the room. The man had shot himself in the head. Vince pulled Cap's arm and pushed him toward Johnny. "Hey, Pal. Are you okay?" Cap called to Johnny as he ran to him. Johnny looked up when he heard the familiar voice and he just said, "It's all my fault, Cap. I killed 'em. It's all my fault."_

Cap explained to Roy that he was not sure what Johnny meant until he gave his statement later. Johnny told Cap and Lt. Crockett how he had literally told the man to shoot his son and himself. Cap was astonished at Johnny's confession and was not sure what to believe. He did know that it was a volatile situation and he would not wish his worst enemy to have to endure what Johnny did.

"I don't know what I would have done in the same spot, Roy. The man had just told him that he shot his kid and had planned to do the same to his wife and himself. That is too much for anyone's mind to wrap around. I guess Johnny just snapped and let his anger get the best of him when he realized the how bad off the kid was…any of us might have done the same considering the circumstances." Cap was covering for Johnny. He was not sure he WOULD have challenged the man to kill himself…it went against all he committed his life to doing…helping others. But, John Gage had that same commitment; he knew that.

"Roy, Johnny's broken. When he looked up from that boy's body, there was a disconnect. Like it was not even Johnny talking. There was no sadness, regret, pity, remorse…just a raw anger that I have never seen in John Gage, or any man, before. It is something I pray I never see again in Johnny or anyone." Cap admitted.

"By the time we got him on the gurney and Squad 38 started treating him, it had faded and he was just saying over and over, 'It was my fault. I killed him.' I wouldn't let the others go in the house. I didn't want them to have that image in their heads. It's enough that Johnny saw what he saw and I saw what I saw. I don't want this whole crew having the nightmares I've had and I am sure Johnny is having. So, I told Chet to drive the Squad to Rampart and when Lt. Crockett arrived, I told him we would be back at the station when he needed our statements." Cap sighed as he concluded the sad story. A story that told of the death of a sick man; the senseless killing of young boy; and the possible end of John Gage's career.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 12

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Night had fallen again when Johnny opened his eyes. Abby was lying next to him, and he noticed that he felt warmer than he had the night before. "Glad you made it down to me, girl." He said to her as she raised her head to look at him. She let out a slight whimper of worry and then laid her head back down on his hip.

Johnny thought over the day. "Okay, Gage." He reasoned with himself aloud. "Today you have imagined talking to Jesus and, now your Dad. Man, you really must be going crazy." He felt very tired, but knew he had already slept too much of the day away. He had to stay awake and care for his wounds. He glanced down to his knee he had wrapped. He also had torn his shirt to bandage his head wounds. The bleeding had abated the night before, but started again when he sat up to take a sip of water or see if he could try to move and get himself out of there. As he shifted a bit, Abby moved with him. She was aware her Master needed help, but she was unwilling to leave his side.

Johnny lay back down and looked up to the sky again. He thought of trying to count the stars and, once again, remembered his parents' stories and teaching. "The Little Bear, or Little Dipper, is what you can use to guide yourself." His dad taught. "The North Star, Polaris, is at the top of the constellation and if you can find it, you can guide yourself anywhere and know what time of year it is by where it is in the sky." Oh, how John Gage needed guidance now. As Johnny continued to look at teh stars and think of all the 'souls' that had gone on before him he remembered all the wonderful days on the ranch in Oklahoma before his parents' death.

"Oh, my dear, sweet boy. I am sorry you are hurting so." Her voice sliced through the night. Johnny turned sharply to see her, but only found darkness.

"Momma?" He cried out, as the pain overwhelmed him due to his sudden movements.

"I am here, my child." She said. "I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You always felt things so deeply. I told your father that you would help others one day. I just knew that your heart and love were too big not to overflow onto others. And, I am so proud that you did not let those terrible people who hurt you steal that from you." Her voice flowed over her son like a warm blanket. He drew strength from her words.

"All things happen for a reason, child. I always told you that when you were little. All things happen for a reason and sometimes we will never know what it is. But, sometimes, the Creator lets us see what His plan is and then we can know exactly why something happened, or why someone died, or why I had to leave my precious, precious boy behind." She cried.

"I wanted to go with you, Momma." Johnny admitted. "I wished many times that I had died in that car with you and Dad."

"I know, John. I know. But, it was not God's plan. He had such wonderful plans for you. Just look at how many people you have helped and saved since you became a fireman. All those people who are living now because you lived that night." She helped him see the reason for his survival—from the accident and from the terrible abuse he suffered.

"You can help so many people, John. So many more with what you have known in life. You survived for a reason and a purpose." He was getting sleepy, like he used to when she would read to him at bedtime. "John, don't sleep just yet, Son. I have to tell you one more thing...don't keep your love to yourself. You let Roy and his family get close to you. You reached out and allowed yourself to be loved by his dear children, and you risked your heart by giving it to them. They need you, Johnny. Roy needs you to be his friend; JoAnne needs you as a little brother she never had; and, those dear, sweet children need you to play with them, teach them, and love them in a way only you can. And, my dear, sweet boy, those men you work with care for you. Let them in, John. Let them know your heart."

He was slipping further into the darkness and her voice faded as he cried, "Don't leave me again, Momma."

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Roy ended his shift determined that he was going to find Johnny. He was certain that the feeling in his gut was not going to go away until he was able to see for himself that Johnny as okay. He had told the others what he had been feeling and they were worried as well. They all decided to go to Madera County to find their friend and bring him home. Roy changed clothes quickly and said his good-byes to Gil Robinson.

"Hey, Roy. It's been great working with you. But, I know you hope I'm not here when you start your next shift. No hard feelings, huh?" He pushed out his hand for the man to shake.

"Been a pleasure, Gil. And, you are right, I hope I don't have to have you as a partner again…but, working with you would be a privilege. Thanks." Roy said as he turned on his heel to head home to pack a bag before leaving. The men would meet at Roy's house and they would take Mike's truck that was big enough for all of them and their things.

When they met at Roy's house, Cap had good news. The autopsy on Richie Taylor revealed that he had been dead when the second bullet entered his body. The coroner ruled that Mr. Taylor killed his son with the first shot that lacerated his liver and right kidney. As for Mr. Frank's death, the Coroner ruled that a suicide. Johnny was off the hook for any possible criminal charges of negligent homicide, but they had to convince Johnny that he was not guilty of any crime.

"I've got good news, too." Roy said as they loaded the truck. "I just called Dixie, and Mrs. Taylor has been upgraded to 'fair' condition. They think she's gonna make it." The men all looked at each other. This was good news, but they knew that the woman would have to overcome a lot of heartache once she woke up. But, right now their attention was focused on Johnny and HIS heartache. They left at 9:00, hoping they would get to Johnny before he started back and they missed each other. He needed to know sooner, rather than later, that he was not at fault for the deaths of that boy and his father.

As they pulled into Big J's, they all knew immediately why Johnny liked this place so much. To say it was 'off the beaten path' was an understatement. Big Creek was a town which consisted of Big J's and a small post office that was no more than a shack with a window. The men all sighed, hoping their friend was close by and quickly found so they could get home.

They were not prepared for what they would find…

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 13

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

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Johnny stirred at the first light of dawn but did not stay awake long. Abby had left her Master just once to go get a drink of water and answer nature's call. She returned immediately and resumed her spot beside her sleeping Master. A few hours later, about the time Roy and the guys were starting their trip to Madera County, Johnny woke again. He had been lying there on that ridge for three days now. He was certain that he was going to die there. He made a quick assessment of his wounds again. The knee was splinted and stable for now, but he was not able to walk on it at all. His shoulder had stopped throbbing sometime in the night; he deduced that it had become numb from the cold. Abby had lain herself on top of her Master when she felt him shivering. He found her warmth to be soothing and was thankful for her presence.

"What now, God?" Johnny mocked. "You gonna send Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy?" He laughed. He knew that his head wound must be terribly bad to be hallucinating visits from Jesus, his Father, and his Mother. He was feeling pretty hopeless when yet another voice intruded his thoughts.

"I'm glad you came back here, Johnny. I was afraid you wouldn't want to come here after I died." His friend Drew's voice caught him unawares.

"Drew? Man is that really you? Where are you?" Johnny tried again in vain, too find a body to go with the voice.

"I'm here. That's all you need to know." His friend said. "Guess we didn't have to argue about how dangerous our jobs were, your dangerous just goin' on vacation, Friend." Drew teased.

Johnny laughed in spite of himself. He remembered how Pam reminded him of their childish teasing of each other when he had to tell her that her husband died. "How's Pam doin', Drew?" Johnny asked the disembodied voice as he let out a great sigh of pain.

"Leave it to you, Johnny, to be thinking of someone else when you are the one in dire straits." Drew admonished. "She's doin' okay. My parents took her and the baby in. She just couldn't get a grip on things after I left. I really hated leaving her like that. Thanks for helping her out with everything after I died, John."

"No problem, Drew. You were my best friend, you know."

"Well, I was before Roy came along anyway." Drew reminded Johnny.

"Drew, no. You were my best friend. Always. No one could take your place." Johnny said.

"It's okay, Johnny. I understand. You and he had so much in common. Especially after you became a paramedic and you were partnered with him. We started spending less and less time together. After that time you told me you were going to talk to Roy about your past…that's when I knew that you and I would be growing apart." Drew acknowledged.

"I didn't mean it, Drew. I didn't mean for us to grow apart, you know?" Johnny apologized.

"It's okay, Johnny. You will always be a good friend to me and now, to Roy. Anyone whose had the opportunity to call you friend, Johnny, is blessed. You are loyal and caring. None of my friends on the force helped Pam after I died, but you did. You did. And, now, you came back here. When you were hurting, you came to a spot where you and I had some great times…and you sought comfort here. That's special, John. Thanks for being my friend. I always enjoyed our times together here and when we were in the city, too."

Johnny could feel the hot sun on his face. He reached for the canteen and took another sip of water as he heard the voice begin to fade. It was the last of the water. He was out of water. Reality set in quickly. He was already dehydrated before the fall since he had not been eating well since Richie's death. A person could live more than a week or so without food, but only a few days without water. He knew that he told everyone he would be back in three or four days. "It could be tomorrow before anyone realizes I am missing. Then, it could take them days to find me here. I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna die right here." Johnny stated the cold, hard facts of his fate and turned his head toward Abby and reached his good hand out to pat her head.

"Abby, if you don't go find help. I'm a goner, girl." He said to the dog. She did not understand. She stood, made two circles and curled back up next to her Master. "Good girl." Johnny said as he drifted to sleep once again.

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"Hellooooooo." JB called from the back of the store when the bell over the door announced that someone had entered. The five men made their way to the back of the store. Cap spoke for them all. "Mister. We are looking for a friend of ours." He began.

"I'm no 'mister', you can call me JB." The kindly older man spat out. "Lookin' for someone, hey?"

"Okay, JB," Cap said. "We are with the Los Angeles County Fire Department and we are here to get our friend, John Gage. Do you know how we can find him?"

"Well, of course I know how you can find 'im. I showed him and his friend, Drew, the best campsite in the area. It is about four miles from here up near Nellie Lake. Lots of great fishin' up there and the hiking trails are great, too." He mentioned.

"We are just interested in finding Johnny right now, Sir." Roy interjected. "Can you give us directions to where he camps?"

"Well, I can give you the directions, but when I was up there earlier, he wasn't at his camp." JB said.

"Where is he?" Three of the five men said in unison.

"Don't know. Guess he must have been out fishin' or hikin'. He's one of those really outdoorsy types…not city, like you guys." JB said, not worrying if he offended the men or not.

More than a little annoyed by the man, Cap said, "Just give us the directions and we will find him—wherever he is." Cap emphasized the last words.

The men returned to the truck and followed the crude map JB had penciled for them. They pulled up behind Gage's Rover 20 minutes later.

"He's not here, Cap." Mike said as they finished searching the vehicle and area around the campsite.

"Chet, you stay here in case he comes back. Mike, you go north, Roy, go West, I will go East and, Marco, you go South. We will call out his name, wait two minutes and call again. We will meet back here in an hour whether we find him or not. We will need to go get help if night falls and we still haven't found him. We are not familiar enough with this area. Let's go guys." Cap ordered his men as he would at the scene of any fire in the city. Chet settled on the bumper of the Rover as he watched the other men begin to go off in their directions to look for John Gage.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 14

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4. The next few chapters are LOOSLY based on the book by Mitch Albom called, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  WARNING: SUBJECT MATTER ALERT—CHILD DEATH; SUICIDE; CRIME SCENE DETAILS…A LITTLE GORY, BUT NOT TOO GRAPHIC. Not anything they have not shown on television this decade!

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

Johnny woke up coughing. He was not sure if he had choked because his mouth was so dry or if it was something settling in his lungs. He wished that he had a stethoscope to listen to his breathing. He slowed his breathing and took deep breaths to see if he could hear any rales (crackling) and/or rhonchi. If he could determine both, then he knew that meant that pneumonia had set in. Otherwise, if he heard gurgling or something else, it could mean that one of his broken ribs could have punctured a lung. Both were not good news in his present condition.

Abby could tell her Master was having trouble breathing. She had lain over his body the night before and he coughed many times, disturbing her rest. But, she knew that she needed to keep him warm. The dog, if dogs could have feelings, hoped she did not hurt him worse by lying on his chest.

Johnny determined that he probably did have the early onset of pneumonia and tried to sit up to help keep his lungs from filling with fluid and so he could breathe better. It was painful to sit up and he cried out a few times as he tried to move a bit to ensure he would not just slump back down to the ground. He found a precarious position on the side of a rock to remain in a seated position. He hoped he could stay awake so he would not fall from where he was.

Abby moved over and laid herself across his lap. Though it hurt a bit when she put her head on his swollen knee, he tried not to cry out. He wanted her to be close to him. If he was going to die, he did not want to die alone.

"I didn't die alone." He heard a small voice say.

"_Oh, no. Here we go again_." Johnny thought. "Who's there?" He played along with the delusion.

"It's me. Richie Taylor." He heard the voice say. Johnny's heart leapt into his throat as he heard the words. Why on earth would his wounded psyche bring up a dead boy he had no relationship with whatsoever.

"Why are you here?" He asked the boy…the voice.

"Cuz' you didn't let me die alone. And, I'm not gonna let you die alone, either."

Johnny could not wrap his head around this. He caused this boy's death and now he was almost thanking him for being there when he died. What the hell was his mind doing?

"You didn't kill me. My dad killed me." The voice was reading Johnny's mind. "_Hell the voice IS my mind_!" Johnny thought.

It continued, "I was already dead when the second bullet hit me. I am just glad you got there in time to save my mom. She will be very sad without me, but I know that you will tell her that I am okay and that you were there with me when I died and I was not hurting or anything." Johnny was more confused than ever.

"You weren't hurting?" Johnny questioned.

"No. The bullet did a lot of damage as you could see by all the blood. I couldn't feel anything. But, I heard you. I heard you call my name and tell me that you weren't gonna let me slip away. But, I was already gone. Nothing you did hurt me. And, my dad would have eventually killed my mom if he lived. So, you can't feel responsible for what he did. He was a bad man and did bad things." Johnny had heard those words before. He had experienced that same feeling of helplessness at the hands of his foster mother and Daddy Dave. "He was a bad man who did bad things." He told the police when they asked him how he got the cuts, bruises and marks on his back.

All the words he had been hearing from his Savior, Father, Mother, Drew, and now Richie Taylor all began to make sense. Things DID happen for a purpose…even the BAD things could come to good when God intervened. He could see that now, see that finally. He felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He could finally rest, he thought. Close his eyes to sleep and not see the horrible site of a little boy bleeding to death on his bed with a red ball cap next to him on the pillow…as Johnny closed his eyes he heard someone calling his name.

"Not again…Lord. Who is it this time?" Johnny wondered aloud. But the calling continued and he finally could recognize the voice. It was Roy. His best friend and Partner had come looking for him and found him. This was truly a day of miracles. Knowing he would not be able to call out or get up, he summoned Abby. He knew she was familiar with Roy and thought this could work. "Abby." He said as he looked down at his faithful pet. "Abby, Roy's comin'. He's comin' to find me. Can you hear 'im, girl?" The dog stood and wagged her tail at her Master's words. She waited for his command.

"Abby, go get Roy. Bring him to me. Go, Abby. I know you can do it." He ordered. She looked at her Master and then toward the voice calling in the distance. She barked at her Master and then ran off in the direction of the calls. "That's a girl." Johnny said as she ran toward the calls. Maybe he would get out of here alive, he allowed himself to think.

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Roy glanced at his watch. He had only a few more minutes before he would need to head back. He had been walking and calling for about a half an hour and making a pretty good pace. He noticed some rocky crests up ahead, but knew he would not be able to make it there to search and be back at the time appointed by Cap. He called out a few more times and allowed time to hear a response. "Jooooooohnny" Roy called out one last time before deciding to turn back. "Junior, where are you?" He said under his breath. Frustrated he did not find his friend, he turned to go back to the campsite.

He continued to call out as he went back in the other direction, hoping beyond hope that Johnny would be found. He allowed time again for a response. After he called out two more times, he thought he heard something. He was not certain, but he thought he heard a dog bark. "_Abby_!" Roy thought. "_You said you were bringing Abby with you, Junior_." Roy changed his tack. "AAAAAAAAABY" Roy called loudly back in the direction he'd been heading, away from the camp. He was rewarded with a bark. He continued to call her name and walk in the direction of the barking.

As he came over a crest he saw her running toward him. "Abby!" He cried out as she bounded up to him. "Where's Johnny, girl?" He wished the dog could talk. He bent down to greet her and noticed that her neck and belly fur were covered in blood. Upon inspection, she just had a few minor scratches. Roy immediately knew that Johnny was hurt, and pretty badly judging from the blood on the dog. Roy knew he should return to the camp with the dog, gather a search party of locals familiar with the area, and come get Johnny later. But, he was determined not to let his friend be alone one more minute. "Take me to 'im, Abby. Let's go." Roy said walking in the direction the dog came from. Abby jumped in front of him and led the way.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 14

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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The other men all returned to the camp site. "Where's Roy?" Cap asked. The other men shrugged their shoulders.

"I haven't seen him since you all left to search Cap." Chet said.

"Maybe he found Johnny." Marco cheered.

"Or, maybe he got lost himself." Chet countered with doom and gloom. The other men just stared at him.

"What?" He yelped. "Roy's not the outdoorsy type, remember?" Chet countered.

"Look. Chet, you and I will stay here. Mike, you and Marco head back to the store. Let them know we need to get some searchers up here with flashlights, maps, and first aid supplies. If they have any ambulances or other emergency equipment, have them bring it up here, too. Hurry up, Pal. We gonna lose light in a while. If John or Roy is hurt, we have to get help as soon as we can." The men all did as they were told.

Chet began pacing and Cap searched through Johnny's belongings to see if he could find a clue as to where he had gone.

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Roy saw Johnny's pack on the ridge and ran to it. When he called out, he heard a faint cry from below. As he leaned out over the ledge, he gasped when he saw his friend. "Johnny" He cried out. "Are you okay?"

Johnny allowed his hot tears to finally flow. "Roy" He called as loud as he dared. "I need help."

Night was still a over an hour away, but he was not familiar with these rocky crags. "I will try to find a way down to you, Junior. Hang on."

"I will, Pally." Johnny gasped out. His lungs were compromised and he could barely breathe, much less yell. "Abby knows the way." He tried to relay to Roy, but it was too late. Roy was already following the dog to her Master.

Minutes later, Roy was running up to Johnny and the men flashed a knowing look to each other which said: "I'm glad to see you! I'm sorry. I got here as soon as I could. I knew you'd find me!" All in one look.

"Hey, Pally." Johnny breathed out with great effort.

"Hey, Junior. Can you tell me what happened?" He was uncertain Johnny would be able to tell him with his labored breathing, but when he helped him sit a little straighter, Johnny caught his breath.

"Abby got stuck in a bramble. When I tried to pull it off her, my hands slipped and I went over the ledge." He explained.

"When?" Roy asked as he began his assessment of Johnny's injuries. He noticed that his Partner had applied a soft splint to his kneee and bandaged his head wounds.

"On Wednesday, Roy." Johnny declared.

"What?" Roy yelled. "You've been down here for THREE days, Junior. Have you had any water, anything to eat?" He grew more concerned by the moment.

"Water ran out earlier today. Food in my pack on the ridge." Johnny was talking in short bursts. His breathing had become quite labored.

"Here," Roy said, remembering he picked up the pack as he passed it. "Are there any first aid supplies in here?" He tore it open and found a small first aid kit with some kerlex, 4 X 4's, a couple cravats and an extra shirt.

Roy began applying the dressings and created a sling for Johnny's dislocated shoulder. "We have to get you out of here, Junior. I don't think we can wait for help to arrive. We are only about 3 miles from your camp site. Do you think you can stand on that leg at all, if I help you?"

Johnny knew Roy was right. He was fading and if he did not get to some emergency help soon, he would not make it. "I guess I have no choice, Roy. Let's try it." Roy emptied Johnny's pack and used it to wrap Johnny's knee and as tightly as he dared. Johnny winced in pain, but knew it was necessary.

"Ready, Johnny?" Roy prompted. Johnny nodded instead of speaking for his breathing was becoming quite labored and shallow.

Roy went around to Johnny's right side and helped his to his feet as gently as he could. Johnny gritted his teeth and cried out in pain as his ribs retaliated with searing pain. Abby was running in circles around the two men as they gained their footing. Roy took one practice step forward to see if Johnny was going to be able to make it. Johnny pushed his right leg out and used Roy as support as he put his left leg out. It hurt like hell, but he was one step closer to getting home alive.

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Mike's truck pulled up to the campsite with four other vehicles following. Mike jumped out and yelled, "Cap, the Sheriff is out of town at a family funeral. This guy is a Park Ranger from the next county. He has all his repelling equipment with him and he knows a local guy who owns a helicopter that's agreed to come and fly anyone who may be injured to the hospital in Fresno. It will take over an hour to drive there, but he can get him there by chopper in half the time."

"Sound's good, Pal. When can the chopper be here?" Just then he heard the familiar sounds of the copter blades overhead. He looked at his Engineer and smiled. Maybe this day wouldn't turn out so bad after all.

The chopper flew out over the area for a moment to find the best place to land. Roy spotted it from where he and Johnny were making very poor progress. Every few steps, Johnny had to stop for a few minutes to rest. Roy hoped the chopper meant that help was on its way.

"Hey," a guy called to Mike. "My friend says he can see your guys. He's gonna try to land close to them. They are only about three miles from here. When he gets them, should he stop here or go right to the hospital in Fresno?" He asked Mike.

Cap answered, "Both men are paramedics. If one is injured, the other can take care of him on the way to the hospital as long as there is first aid equipment available on the chopper. If both are hurt, he should come get someone who can render at least some minimum care while he flies."

"Got it." The Ranger called and relayed the message.

They all waited for news on their friends.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 16

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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The helicopter landed close by where Roy and Johnny had come to rest. Johnny had not made very good progress and he was fading fast. Roy was so grateful when he heard and saw the chopper. The pilot landed and then got out to run over to Roy. "You Roy and Johnny?" He inquired.

"That would be us." Roy called back over the clamor of the chopper engine.

"You got a lot of guys worried about you. He okay?" The pilot asked as he motioned toward Johnny.

Roy's eyes told him all he needed to know. He went around to Johnny's other side. "Careful, his shoulder is dislocated." Roy warned as they helped Johnny back to his feet to load him in the chopper. Johnny had drifted into a state of semi-consciousness. Roy called back for Abby to follow them, which she did. They carefully lifted Johnny into the cargo bay and then Roy reached down to get Abby. She instinctively went to her Master and lay down next to him.

"Let's get the hell out of here." Roy said to the pilot. The pilot complied by closing the cargo door and taking his seat. He lifted off and radioed those on the ground of the situation.

"Mike, your guys are on the chopper. One's hurt pretty badly. The other is fine. Oh, and there's a dog, too." The Ranger relayed.

"Who's hurt. Can you find out?" Mike implored after seeing Cap's brow furrow at the news.

After a few moments of back and forth radio communications, he finally said, "Do you want to talk to your man?" as he handed the radio off to Cap.

Cap smiled as he took the radio. "This is LA County Fire Captain Hank Stanley." He said with authority.

"Cap, it's Roy." He was grateful to hear Roy's voice, but knew that meant Johnny was the one hurt.

"How bad is he Roy?" Cap asked.

"He fell about fifteen feet onto some solid rocks three days ago, Cap. He's been out there all this time. He's got some broken ribs, a possible knee fracture, and a dislocated shoulder. It also sounds like he probably has pneumonia. We will be at the hospital in about thirty minutes. You can drive down and I will probably have more information when you guys get there. Can you pack up John's things in the Rover and have someone follow you guys down here?"

"You got it, Pal. We are packing up now and we will be there in an hour or so." Cap signed off and thanked the Ranger again for his help.

"Up in these parts, Emergency Response is difficult. We don't have very many ambulances. Hospitals are only in the large towns. The smaller clinics can treat minor injuries, but we have to have transportation for the major ones like today. That is why I keep my gear with me at all times. I work in the canyons and I play in the forests…it's my life. I love what I do and I do what I love." Cap liked the man. Not just because he and his friend were so helpful, but because they were all cut from the same cloth. They all loved helping people and they were good at it. Cap hoped that Johnny would be able to continue to do the work he loved, too.

They packed Johnny's gear, said their good-byes to the search party crew, and started off to Fresno.

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Roy could tell that the hospital was not used to receiving 'air ambulance' cases. When the chopper landed, there were several nurses just standing around waving at the pilot like they didn't know if he was playing or what. Finally, they understood that he was needing help when he turned off the engine, got out and yelled, "Get off your asses, I have a severely injured man here."

Roy had opened the cargo doors and Abby jumped out. She did not much enjoy the flight but had stuck close to Johnny. Johnny had slipped in and out of consciousness and was unaware of what was going on much of the time. He was rambling about his Dad, Mom and something about Drew. Roy was certain that he was delusional due to his high fever and shock.

As the gurney finally approached the chopper, Roy called out Johnny's pulse and respirations to the doctor. He also started to list Johnny's injuries and the care already provided. When he caught the doctor's suspicious gaze, he finally spoke up, "Oh, I'm a paramedic with the Los Angeles County Fire Department. This is my Partner, John Gage. He was out camping and fell. We just found him after he'd been out there three days."

The doctor nodded his understanding and began treatment of his new patient. Roy waved his thanks to the chopper pilot who was now flirting with one of the nurses he had cursed out just a few moments before. Roy followed along behind Johnny's gurney, praying that his friend would be okay. As they approached the ER doors, one of the nurses said, "That dog can't come in here." Roy realized that Abby had followed them from the chopper. He bent down to pet the dog and reassure her as Johnny and his new caretakers went into the hospital.

"He'll be okay, Abby. He's got to be okay, girl." Roy cried into the dog's neck still sticky with Johnny's blood.

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Once in the Treatment Room, Johnny began to regain consciousness and became agitated when he did not recognize his surroundings. He became combative and struggled against the ministrations of the doctors and nurses around him. "Get me some restraints." The doctor ordered.

When Johnny heard the words, he threw his hand up, catching the left side of the doctor's jaw. He then proceeded to pull the IV that had been established just a few seconds before. He was flailing and combatting against all the hands and arms trying to hold him down. The pain was immense, but Johnny continued to fight.

"Roy! Where's Roy?" He kept yelling as he tried to get off the treatment table.

"Who the hell is Roy and get him in here if you can." The doctor yelled at the nurse beside him. "Hold still, man. My name is Dr. Paxton. You are in the Emergency Room of Community Medical Center in Fresno. You need to calm down, sir."

"His name is John Gage." Roy said as he entered the room. He walked quickly over and placed his hand on Johnny's forehead, which was burning with fever. "Hey, Partner, I'm here. You are gonna have to settle down so these people can help you." He soothed. As Johnny began to calm, those surrounding the scene were amazed.

Dr. Paxton started barking out orders for blood tests, x-rays, and updated vital signs. A nurse tried to get Roy to step away, but Dr. Paxton stopped it. "No! He stays right there. I don't want Mr. Gage to become upset again." He glanced down at his patient, who had a moment of lucidity and winked at the doctor above him as if to say, "Thank you." The doctor nodded his understanding and continued to treat Johnny and work around Roy.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 17

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Johnny's lacerations were stitched and bandaged. His ribs were taped, dislocated shoulder was set back into place and his knee was put in a stabilizing brace. While it was not broken, there were several tendons and ligaments torn. He was placed in the ICU due to the pneumonia and high fever. He was given heavy doses of antibiotics to treat the pneumonia. They monitored him for signs of sepsis and started him on another antibiotic to guard against further infection. They sedated Johnny shortly after getting the results of his skull x-rays. There was no major skull fracture, but a pretty severe concussion. He was still sleeping when his friends arrived from the camp site.

"He's sleeping now." Roy said as he pet the now-clean Abby on a bench outside the hospital. "They said we found him just in time. They don't think he could have lasted another night out there." Roy shared.

The men stared at Roy and Abby and looked around at each other and to the ground. Mike was the first to speak. "Did you tell him the good news, Roy?"

Roy shook his head, "Didn't get a chance to, Mike. He was so out of it when I found him. He was rambling on about talking to…"Roy thought better about violating his friend's privacy. "Well, anyway, he was just out of it. He wouldn't have understood." Roy was very concerned that Johnny had been delusional when he found him. He was sure that the head wound or the delirium from the fever and infection had caused him to hallucinate and hear the voices of his dead parents and Drew.

"He's okay?" Chet asked.

"He will be, Chet. Dr. Paxton said he would keep him sedated tonight, so Johnny could get some rest and fight the infection. He decided on that after consulting with Brackett." Roy revealed.

"Brackett?" Cap chimed in. "How did he talk with Brackett?"

"I told Dr. Paxton that Brackett knew Johnny's complete medical history and that he might be able to help. Dr. Paxton called him and they talked for quite a while. After they talked, Dr. Paxton came in and ordered a different antibiotic and that Johnny remain sedated for the next twelve hours. He's in ICU now. We can see him in the morning." Roy was tired and he yawned as he sat back on the bench.

"We should find a hotel to stay in for the night. Roy, are you going to stay here?" Cap was looking at his men with a proud but worried stare.

"Yeah, I'm stayin'. But, Abby can't." He looked down at the dog, who whimpered when she heard her name. "Can you guys take her with you? One of the nurses got her some dog food earlier and fed her and a couple other nurses gave her a bath, but the hospital rules won't allow her to be in ICU with Johnny. And, truth be told, she needs to get some rest, too." Roy told the men.

The four men agreed on where they would stay…a hotel they passed on the way to the hospital. They told Roy their good-byes, loaded Abby into Mike's truck, and told Roy they would see him the morning. Chet tossed Roy the keys to Johnny's Rover. "He left 'em in the ignition. Can you believe it? What if someone had stolen it? Gage is too trusting if you ask me." Chet smirked as he turned to leave.

"If he wasn't, the Rover would still be up there, now. Wouldn't it?" Roy joked as he watched his crewmates take off into the night. He sighed again, for many reasons. He was tired. He was relieved that Johnny had been found alive. And, he was grateful that his friend had been cleared of any wrong-doing. Now, he just had to convince Johnny of his innocence and get him to come back to work.

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The next morning, Roy was sitting in the chair next to Johnny's bed when the doctor came in to check on his patient. "Good morning, Mr. DeSoto." He greeted.

"'Mornin'. Just call me Roy, Doctor."

"So, Roy, how did our patient do last night?" He had been told by the nurses that the man did not leave his friend's side for more than a few moments at a time to get coffee or go to the restroom. Roy had barely slept and it was evident.

"I couldn't tell any change in his vitals when I spoke to him. But, his fever is down. It was only 100 degrees when the nurse took it this morning. When you left last night, it was still 104." Roy reported.

Dr. Paxton nodded his head. "Well, I discontinued the sedation about an hour ago. He should begin to respond shortly, if he's going to respond, that is."

"What do you mean, 'if'?" Roy worried.

"I guess I am a little concerned about his mental state. With the previous trauma you told me about AND the delusions you told me he had after the fall..." The doctor trailed off as he heard sounds coming from the bed.

Johnny's head was moving slightly and it sounded like he was trying to speak. "Johnny. It's Roy. Are you okay, Junior?" Roy prompted his friend.

Johnny's eyes fluttered open as he tried to remember where he was and how he got there. He looked around the room, at the doctor, who was sporting a black eye from where Johnny had hit him the night before. He smiled in recognition when his eyes fell to Roy. "Hey…" Johnny gasped. Roy reached for the water cup and offered some to Johnny who drank quickly from the straw.

"Not too much, Junior. Take it slow." Roy scolded. Johnny slowed and then pulled away from the straw when he was done.

"Where am I?" Johnny asked as his eyes continued to purvey the room and doctor standing next to the bed.

"What do you remember, Johnny." Roy asked. It was typical for individuals with head injuries to see how much they could recall on their own before sharing information.

Johnny closed his eyes, trying to remember. His eyes opened, and Roy saw the sadness there. "_He knows, now_." Roy thought.

"I went campin'…to clear my head…fell…" Johnny began to put together the pieces of the last week. "How long?" He asked Roy.

Roy instinctively knew what Johnny was asking and answered quickly, "You were on the cliff for three days before we found you, Johnny."

Johnny nodded, as though he now remembered everything. Then his eyes widened. "Roy, my head…do I have a concussion? Did I have a fever?"

Dr. Paxton thought it an odd question for a patient to ask, but remembered that these men were paramedics and Johnny may want more information than the typical patient would.

"Yeah. You have a concussion. You had a fever when I found you, too." Roy answered.

"Roy, I…I…I heard voices…my Dad. My mom. Drew…I heard them all." Johnny confessed. Roy took Johnny's hand in his as if to say, "_It's going to be okay_."

"Some delirium is quite expected considering your circumstances Mr. Gage." Dr. Paxton reassured his patient.

Johnny turned his head to the doctor. Noticing the black eye again, Johnny had a vague recollection of his own hysterics when he we brought in to the hospital. "Did I do that?" Johnny asked, indicating the black eye.

"It's okay, Mr. Gage. I won't hold it against you." The doctor smiled and immediately put Johnny at ease.

"Am I going to be okay, Doc?" Johnny queried.

"You should have a full recovery, Mr. Gage. The infection is nearly under control. Your knee is set and should be fine in 2 to 4 weeks. I would recommend some physical therapy once tendons and ligaments have time to mend, but that will be up to Dr. Brackett to order. You will be his patient again once you return to Los Angeles. I expect to release you tomorrow as long as your fever stays down and your vitals remain stable for the next 24 hours." Dr. Paxton smiled at the two men. "I have heard of your strong dislike of hospitals and the food we serve." He joked.

Johnny smiled a wide smile and Roy laughed. Roy enjoyed the feeling and hoped it would last.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 18

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

NOTE: Mention of child death and suicide in the chapter.

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Johnny's fever abated and he was released the following day, Sunday. His friends all had to return to work the next morning, so they prepared to return to Los Angeles. Mike was driving his truck with Cap, Marco, and Chet. Roy was driving Johnny's Rover with Johnny and Abby as passengers. They fixed a place in the back of the Rover where Johnny could lie down as they made the nearly 300 mile trip back to LA.

Johnny had received the "good news" that his friends had to share about the police clearing Johnny of any wrong-doing and that Mrs. Taylor was improving. But, he did not seem to have the reaction they all hoped for. "So, you're off the hook, Gage." Chet barked out. All five of the other men looked at him, but he only caught Johnny's eyes. Chet felt that he saw some lingering guilt in those brown eyes.

"Chet," Johnny began, "Guys…I want to thank you for coming to find me. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't come looking for me." He shook his head. Cap put a hand on his shoulder as if to offer some of his strength to his young charge.

"Well, Pal. It is our code that we leave no soul behind. We could not leave you, even if that was what you wanted."

"Thanks, Cap." Johnny nodded. His eyes told the men he was far away.

"What is it, John." Cap asked.

"It's just that…well, there's this old church song that was my mom's favorite and I guess I really kinda know what it means now." Johnny swallowed hard and continued.

"_I once was lost, but now I'm found; was blind but now I see_. I came here to do some soul-searching. To find out if I could go back after what happened. With some help from some "souls" that have gone on before me, I guess I found my answers." Johnny struggled against the tears that formed, but continued. "What I realized is -that I am loved, that I am meant to do the work I do, that my job makes a difference, and that I…I did not cause the death of that boy and his father…those things are true. Whether I believe all of that 100% yet or not, it is true. You guys were there for me and I appreciate it. I hope nothing like this happens again…but, I know that, if it does, I can rely on you," He turned to face Roy, "My friends and brothers. And, I can trust that you will help me through."

"You got that right, Pal." Cap said as he slapped him on the back. When Johnny flinched from the pain in his still-healing shoulder, Cap felt bad, but Johnny laughed. Then they all laughed as they loaded the vehicles to return home.

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Monday morning, Johnny called Dr. Brackett and made an appointment to see him later that day for follow-up on his injuries. Johnny told Brackett that he had also made an appointment with the department psychiatrist and would see him later that morning as well. Dr. Brackett hung up the phone and smiled his admiration for John Gage and how he dealt with all the chaos life had handed him.

Johnny dressed and called a cab to take him to his appointment. When he arrived he checked in with the receptionist who mooned over him since he was struggling with his crutches due to his injured shoulder. "I'll be okay." He insisted, not wanting to engage the woman's interest at such a fragile time in his life as seeing a shrink. He felt as if everyone could see right through his facade into all of his deep, dark secrets. He hated to be so vulnerable.

The office door opened and a smartly dressed man in his late 50's stepped out and called, "John Gage." Johnny looked up from his magazine and nodded his head to show his presence. He struggled up on the crutches and followed the man into the office. Johnny caught a wink from the receptionist as he passed her and cringed at the thought of being in a relationship with someone who had access to his life's story. No one would want that!

"Have a seat, Mr. Gage." The doctor invited Johnny to sit in a nice leather chair just in front of his desk. However, the doctor did not sit behind the desk as Johnny expected, but he sat in the chair identical to Johnny's right next to him.

"I find that it puts people more at ease if I am not 'looming' behind my desk as some big doctor, but just chatting as a peer." The doctor explained his position.

Johnny smiled weakly. "Whatever you say, I guess." He agreed. He fidgeted a bit, trying to get comfortable. But, knew that he was fighting a losing battle. Even without his physical infirmities, he would never be comfortable in a place where he was expected to share his feelings.

"Well, Mr. Gage, this is the first time we are meeting. I think you had a few sessions with my predecessor, Dr. Lyles. I have his notes and I have an understanding of the reason why you are here to see me. Now, can you tell me what your understanding is, please?" The doctor's words were disarming and inviting. His charms worked on most people, "_Let's see if they work on our, Mr. Gage, shall we_?" He thought to himself.

Johnny stiffened a bit. He knew all the tricks shrinks used to get people to talk. But, he found himself wanting to talk this time. He was afraid that what he would share would certainly cause him to lose his job, but he pressed on…

"Well, I guess I'm here to talk to you about how the Taylor incident affected me." Johnny started out aloof and on point.

"That would be a good place to begin..."

"I, uh, I don't do well with talking, you know? You probably know that by reading my file. I have never been real good at sharing my feelings since my parent's died. After that, I kinda shut down and it worked for me, for a while anyway. To make a long story short, I just let my emotions get the better of me during that run. I am usually the emotional one anyway…Roy is cool, collected. I tend to be the crazy one. Well, not crazy, you know what I mean…" Johnny stammered.

"Mr. Gage, just tell me what happened during that last run. I don't think you're crazy. No one does. We just need to know that you are able to continue doing your job without any lasting effects from this tragedy. Talking it out is meant to help you, not to harm you."

"Yeah, I know. But, my feelings somehow always mess me up. Like on that run. Roy had left with the victim, Mrs. Taylor. I was cleanin' up the scene and gathering our supplies when Mr. Taylor comes in with a gun. He took me to his son's room and I saw this boy on the bed, Richie. His dad had shot him and there was blood everywhere. He had a faint pulse, I was sure I felt a pulse, but I knew he couldn't survive the wounds he had. We just didn't get to 'im in time. Well, Mr. Franks said somethin' that pissed me off…and, I just told him to go ahead and shoot his kid and himself and put everyone out of their misery…that it would be the best thing." Johnny paused and took a deep breath.

"I knew I was wrong in saying it as soon as it came out of my mouth, but before I could do anything…he did it. He shot Richie and then he put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger. I just threw myself over the boy's body. I didn't know what to do. I just kept thinking 'I did this. I killed them.'" Johnny stopped and put his head in his hands. He was tired…physically, mentally and emotionally, he was drained.

"And, what do you think now, Mr. Gage?" Dr. Baker asked.

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 19

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

NOTE: Mention of child death and suicide in the chapter.

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Johnny looked up at the doctor and shook his head from side to side. "I don't know what I think. I guess I know in my head that I am not responsible. But, my heart says I shouldn't have said what I said—angry or not. I am a professional. I am supposed to be in control of my emotions, not lose control like I did." Johnny was relieved to finally say the words.

"Do you think there is anyone who is ALWAYS in control of their emotions?"

Johnny thought. "I guess most people I know have lost control at least once or twice. Most people do, I guess."

The doctor nodded to hopefully prompt Johnny to continue.

"Doc, I try to work things out on my own. I have pretty much been on my own since I was 12. Most of the time I would go outside and just sit and stare at the stars. It made me feel better. I would think about what I was going through and somehow, a solution would come, or I would just feel okay about whatever it was. That was why I went camping last week. I thought I would try to work this out on my own before coming to see you." Johnny admitted.

"And, how did that go?" Dr. Baker teased Johnny by motioning toward his bandaged knee and crutches next to his chair.

"You got me, Doc." Johnny laughed a little. He was becoming more comfortable with this man and more familiar. "I guess I went a bit too far. I fell down a cliff and was pretty banged up. But, while I was down there…" Johnny trailed off.

Dr. Baker allowed the silence. And, Johnny did not disappoint him. "Well, while I was down there, I heard these …voices." Johnny was treading carefully.

"They weren't just any five voices…they were people I know. My Dad, My Mom, a friend of mine who died. They came to me when I was hurt and they told me things…things I guess I already knew, but needed to be reminded of. And, one of the voices was the kid." Johnny stopped. Silence reigned for some time and the tension was thick.

"The kid?" Dr. Baker asked.

Johnny looked up; his eyes were misty as he continued. "Richie, the kid from the run. He said that he was going to die anyway and that he was glad he didn't die alone. That because of me, he didn't die alone."

"You said 'five' voices?" Dr. Baker wanted Johnny to continue.

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did. Well, the other voice was…it was…God. I guess everyone who thinks they're gonna die hears or sees God. It doesn't mean someone's crazy, right?" Johnny justified.

"Do you think you're crazy, Mr. Gage."

Johnny thought hard. He dried his eyes on the back of his shirt sleeve. "No, I don't. I think that I was in a bad situation and that I dealt with it the best I could."

"On the run with the Taylors or on the cliff last week?" Dr. Baker posed.

"Both. I am a damn good firefighter, Doc. I am a great paramedic. I'm a pretty good friend. And, I do things the best I know how. I didn't intend for anyone to get hurt…it is my job to try to help people. But, when they are bent on hurting others or themselves, sometimes my job can be very hard. I went to see Mrs. Taylor yesterday, Doc. She said that her husband had tried to kill her lots of times and that he also attempted suicide a few times. She was still really upset to hear that he had killed their son…she said she would have left if he knew he would ever hurt Richie." He paused and then continued.

"I don't think I will ever know in all my time here on this earth, Doc, WHY people hurt those they say they love. Or, why anyone would hurt a child. Children are so innocent. They love you despite who you are. Children are the very best of who we are and there are parents to discard them as so much garbage. Why would someone do that to a child?" He was crying and did not attempt to hide it.

"Is your question Mr. Gage, why would someone do that to ANY child or, why would someone to that to YOU?" Dr. Baker cut to the heart.

"Yeah, I guess so. Was I so damn unlovable that those people would hurt me so badly and try to kill me? I didn't do anything to deserve that. And…Richie didn't do anything to deserve what happened to him, either." Johnny fought back the angry tears that burned hot in his eyes.

"As a psychiatrist, I expect you want me to have the answers. But, I don't. I could study for my whole life and NEVER be able to understand why those people hurt you, and we will NEVER be able to find out why Mr. Taylor killed his son and himself. But, what I can tell you, is this…There are people in this world, including you, who want to do the right thing. And, hopefully, one day…there will be more people like you, John, than people like him." Dr. Black felt the need to use his given name.

Johnny nodded as he dried his tears. The doctor continued, "We all make mistakes. We give in to the stress and pressure around us and we may say or do something we regret. But, for you, it is just that…a mistake. What happened in that room in the Taylor house does not define you, Mr. Gage. What does define you is what you believe, how respond to challenges, who you associate with, and what you do from now on to make it right. You survived that room and that camping trip. How now shall you live, Mr. Gage?" The doctor challenged.

When they were through, Johnny got to his feet with a little help and shook Dr. Baker's hand. "Thanks, Doc." He said as he turned to leave. His mind was reeling…"_Is he going to keep me from returning to work_?" Johnny wondered.

Dr. Baker, as if reading his thought said, "Mr. Gage, I hope to see you again during your recovery from your physical wounds. And, I hope you will come to see me once you return to work and let me know how things are going." His comments were greeted with a smile from his patient.

"I think I will come again, Doc. I think I will. You know, you're not so bad, really." Johnny muttered. "No offense."

"None taken, Mr. Gage. None taken." The doctor smiled and followed Johnny out.

"Oh, Doc. You can call me Johnny. 'k?"

"Okay, Johnny. See you next time, then." He shut the door behind him and completed his report to the Chief. As he wrote his report he thought to himself, "_I would want him to respond to a fire or welfare call for me or anyone I know_." And, for most service professionals, that was the highest of compliments.

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

Title: Soul Searching – Pt. 20

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: One of the crew is "lost" on a rescue gone wrong. (short summary! Sorry) Set between Season 3 and 4.

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Dr. Brackett was reading a patient's chart when he heard a knock at his door. "Come in." He yelled. After a few moments, when no one entered, he briskly got up from his desk and pulled the door open to find a startled John Gage trying to hold his crutches and open the door without falling down.

"Oh, Johnny, it's you. Can you make it alright?" He asked.

"Sure, Doc. Just couldn't get ahold of the door just yet." Johnny admitted as he hobbled into the doctor's office. "I just got done with my appointment at Dr. Baker's office."

"I know Johnny. He called me after you left. I have just finished up my report for the Chief and, once your knee is healed, you will be released to return to duty." Brackett smiled the news to Johnny.

"That's great news, Doc. Thanks." Johnny paused to gather his thoughts.

"So you are no longer thinking about quitting the department, John?" Brackett was reminded of their last conversation.

"Uh, no, Doc. I am right where I need to be. At least for now." Johnny answered. He paused and then continued, "Doc, you are the only one around here that really knows ALL about me. My past, the abuse, and everything. I have shared some with Roy, Cap and the guys, but to tell all of it is a little overwhelming." The younger man stopped talking.

"Where are you going with this, John?" Brackett wondered.

"Uh, Doc. I just think, well…I think that it might help me to talk things out with Dr. Baker some is all." Johnny confessed.

"I think that's a great idea. I know that he would be willing to see you on a regular basis for as long as you like, John." The doctor was proud that his young friend was finally seeing the benefit of allowing others to help him through his struggles.

"Okay, Okay. I think I will, then." Johnny said as he got up from his seated position. The doctor followed him to an exam room where Dr. Brackett checked out his injuries and gave him a time and date for his next follow up visit.

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The recovery time for his knee passed too slowly for Johnny. He was restless and found it hard to sit still. He was dependent on others to take him places and he really struggled with that. Roy picked him up for his final physical therapy appointment one morning. "How's it goin', Junior?"

Johnny fell into the car seat next to Roy. "It will be a hell of a lot better when I can drive myself AND get back to work. That's for sure." He grumbled.

Roy had become used to Johnny's moods. But, he was glad his friend was talking about returning to work. "It's not a big deal for me to come take you, Johnny. I wasn't doing anything this morning anyway."

Johnny turned to his friend, "I know, Roy. I just don't like having to make you do all this runnin' around. I don't like to be a burden on anyone, you know?"

"I will only say this one more time, Johnny. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN…it is a blessing for me to help you—you would do the same for me. Now, would you deny me the great feeling I get in helping a friend?" Roy challenged.

"Well, when you put it that way…" Johnny relented.

"How are things going with Dr. Baker?" Roy ventured as he had taken Johnny to see him a couple times.

"Oh, okay, I guess. I saw him a couple times, but I think I will be okay now. I know he's there if I need him, but I still prefer to work things out on my own, you know…" Johnny said.

"Well, Junior, just as long as you don't go all the way to Medera County to do it, it's fine with me." Roy said and they both laughed.

"Roy, I don't know if I said it…but, thanks."

"For what?" Roy asked.

"For comin' to find me. I was hopin' to go out there to do some soul-searching and find something I thought I had lost. Well, lookin' around here, I know that I didn't lose anything. I have some great friends who are here to help me, and I just need to lean on them a little more." Johnny conceded.

Roy was happily surprised at the words coming from his friend's mouth. "What did I tell you? You know, I am smarter than you and you just need to listen to me once in a while. I would never steer you wrong, Junior."

Johnny laughed and reached across to pat Roy's shoulder, "You're right, Pally. I have to admit it. This time you were right." They pulled up to Rampart and Johnny got out of the car to go to his appointment for physical therapy while Roy waited and read a book. Roy was certain that, as always, Johnny was going to be okay. He had been through a lot in his life and, if anything, Johnny was survivor.

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Johnny was allowed to return to work after being out nearly five weeks. He had been so anxious to get back to work, that he planned to set TWO alarms in his house so he would be sure to get up on time for his first shift back on Monday morning.

Since being released to drive himself, he did something that he had not done since leaving Oklahoma. He had attended church. Today, Johnny drove his Rover into the parking lot and sat behind the wheel as he paused before entering. He thought back to the time he spent on the ridge after his fall. After talking with Dr. Baker, he still was not certain if he had really heard the 'voices' and knew they were probably a result of his head injury or fever. But, he knew that the words helped him sort things out and come to an understanding of how and why things happened the way they did.

He thought back to the voices he heard...His Savior had reminded him that he was never alone; his dad had told him how strong he was; his mother had told him to open up his heart and allow others in and helped him understand why he survived all the horrors in his life; Drew had helped him realized the importance of friends-having them and being one; and, Richie reminded Johnny that he was still needed in his job.

Johnny thought about how he felt walking into that same church the prior Sunday. He had breathed in the smell of oak and heard the familiar hymns being played. He smiled to himself as he was reminded of the times he went to church with his mother as a young boy. The place evoked feelings of "home." He had not felt that in a long time. He was finally feeling as though he was becoming whole again…his friends had become family; his 'soul-searching' had reminded him of why he did what he did; and, he was finally allowing his guilt over the Taylors subside.

"_Yes_," Johnny thought, "_I am home_." As he opened the big oak doors and walked into the small church building. "I once was lost, but now I'm found…" Johnny heard the familiar tune as he took his seat.

The End


End file.
